Guys, we’ve all heard the excuses: “I feel fat.” “I’m menstruating.” “You groped my mom’s ass at Thanksgiving.” She is always prepared to pull another tall tale out of God knows where (probably her butt). Isn’t there a sure-fire method which will guarantee that you and your lady will cause a ruckus in the sack? Get a load of this: There is!

Put any of the following into action and there is no doubt your mate will be all over you, gettin’ all nasty and what not.

1. Refer to your girlfriend or wife as “WOMAN”. This illustrates dominance and a sexy lack of respect.
2. When you want oral sex, demand that she “kneels at your majesty”. It makes you sound like you are a knight from the round table and women find that to be hot. Plus, they love round tables. It cannot be resisted.
3. Moisturize your thighs at least five times a day. Make sure you inform your mate hourly that your thighs are “moisturized and ready for the big game”.
4. Repeat step 3, but on your forearms.
5. Tell her that Oprah and Rachel Ray both said that constantly having sex cures being fat and prevents breast cancer.
6. Wear a ski mask and insist that you are George Clooney.
7. Claim that the mediocrity of her cooking is due to her not putting out.
8. Prepare your wife her favorite meal. Set up the table nicely and light a candle. When she sits down to eat, throw the food at the wall and yell, “Just fuck me ALREADY!”
9. Buy your woman a dog. Keep it in your trunk and inform her that she can only see and pet it after she has sex with you.
10. Plow every girl she knows: family, friends, whomever you please.  She will figure out that she’s actually your last resort and only wanted for sex. This unsettling thought will kick in and cause her to become your soulless sex slave.