Everybody just loves a list. Ironic lists, funny lists, grocery lists, hit lists, literary lists and the great and powerful Top 10 List. They’re easy to read, compact, they don’t trigger ADD or confusion, and they’re cute! In that spirit, I thought I’d share with you a pretty neat and entertaining list-making exercise to help you when a relationship meets an untimely end. Whether that relationship lasted two years or two dates – it’s all good in the hood. Now, grab a pen and paper since it’s more fun to do this the old-school way and also since you may want to do some ritualistic activity like hold the paper over a candle flame and watch it burn one day, which is much more therapeutic than just punching the “delete” key.
Write at the top of the page: “Traits I want in a man/woman.” You can pick man OR woman or you can keep both if you know what I mean – just maybe don’t confuse the two genders SO much than you end up with a mustachioed hermaphrodite who loves wearing skorts and ballet flats. This will all make sense in a moment. Now, think hard about your ex, and then think double hard about the kind of person you want to meet and fall in love with next. Close your eyes. Squeeze them shut if it helps you envision your ideal mate. Has this phantom lover appeared in your mind’s eye yet? Good.
Now open your eyes and start writing every single detail of this ideal person. For example, if your no-good ex had a head full of blonde curls, loved the mellow tunes of Jack Johnson, and was a devout Greek Orthodox who was 6’4” without shoes, you could write on your list:
Traits I Want In A Man/Woman
And of course keep going. Don’t hold back. You may want to throw in some traits like:
Just a suggestion…
Then, when your magic list is finished put it away and walk outside into the world. Look around, and I bet you anything you’ll stumble upon a bald yarmulke-wearing fly shorty in a Morbid Angel concert tee. It’ll be love at first sight and if it’s not or if it ends four months later and you find yourself burning that list over a vanilla bean scented candle flame, you can start all over! Maybe with something like:
Now, get to it! You’re totally in control of the list- just maybe not the outcome.
Dina Gachman writes the blog "Bureaucracy for Breakfast" (bureaucracyforbreakfast.tumblr.com/) for Lost in a Supermarket, and just launched an online graphic novel & site about dating in Los Angeles called Fling Girl LA. Sadly, it's not a porn site. Her comic book about the down-to-earth diva Elizabeth Taylor comes out this winter from Bluewater Comics.