This is where you are: you have all the time in the world to travel and yet no money with which to do so. It’s only natural that your friends will ask you to take a road trip across the country or go back-packing in Europe for a month. What the hell else do you have to do? Don’t answer that question out loud (or even in your mind); it’ll just depress you even more.

But don’t you worry, you don’t have to leave your computer in a frenzied attempt to make money by any means possible. Keep your clothes on, floozy. Stick with me and you won’t have to throw yourself at just any old divorcee who’ll give you an allowance mid-way through reading this article. With this, I give you five things to remember when traveling broke and unemployed:

1. You’re going to have to start liking Guy Fieri: Even as I’m writing this, I want to die. Forget the peroxide/the rest of his 90s look and his catchphrases, “Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives” is your new Bible. It’s where you’ll find decent food in any city for a very, very cheap price. Your travel mates may be averse to these suggestions at first. This is easily fixable with a sentence like “It’s very important to me we eat like natives and not tourists,” or “I really want to get into the soul of the town.” Pay no mind to the latter sentence. I know what you’re thinking: “But Erica, that sentence doesn’t even make sense.” Come on. They won’t notice anyway.
2. Alternate idea should you find Guy Fieri is too much to handle: My husband Anthony Bourdain’s show is just as useful, if not more so. His show also includes locations on other continents for the thrifty European backpacker. Oh, what’s that, reader? You didn’t know we were married? It’s fine. Neither does he.
3. Use Local Transportation: Who are we kidding? You’ll fit right in with the bums and the veterans. You talk to yourself all the time. Your stories are just as interesting as Linda, the crazy cat lady’s. Sure, you’ll smell like piss, maybe get in a fight, and almost get mugged a few times but you’ll have saved a pretty penny. Plus, now you’re “worldly and experienced”.
4. Use your friends: I hate to break this to you but you threw your reservations at the Ritz out the window when you graduated college and couldn’t find a job. I know. You’ll miss the robes and the staring, but never taking from the mini bar.  The good news is we’ve got a solution. We’ll put you up at a friend’s studio apartment. You’ll get the luxurious couch or possibly even the floor. You’ll probably get talked into cleaning the apartment out of guilt. You’ll have to meet a few family members along the way. It’s all part of the deal, kid. Tip: If your friend is of the opposite sex, tread lightly. He’ll make some excuse as to why the AC’s broken and you both have to spend the entire vacation in your underwear. Don’t fall for it. It’s never true.
5. Forget your wallet constantly: This sounds much worse than it really is. I would never advise you to actually travel without your wallet. I would just advise you to pretend to do so. You’ll have to flirt with numerous bartenders/barbacks/random dudes in the bar. You’ll have to hear about thirty different dudes’ gym routines (I hear legs day is especially grueling). You’ll have to hear about the occasional ex-girlfriend who ripped his heart out and is now living with her partner in a studio in Astoria. You’ll have to pretend you care about ALL OF THIS. You won’t. You won’t care about two words that come out of their mouths. But again, you’ll pretend. When the tab comes after he’s cried for a few hours, WOOPS. You’re so forgetful! You forgot your wallet. He’ll say, “Please. Let me. It’s the least I can do,” and it’s that simple. All you had to do was listen to hours of self-deprecation, look at a few photos of his children, talk about his creepy uncle whose expectations he could never live up to…oh. I see what you’re doing.Tip: Never give them your number to hang out again while you’re in town. Just trust me on this one. It can never end well.
6. Pretend you’re extremely “into” nature: I hear this is big in some parts of the world.  As far as you’re concerned hiking and bird-watching are your new favorite activities. What’s that? Your travel partner wants to go to a five star restaurant? Why would you ever do such a thing when there is a beautiful, local state park just waiting for someone to explore it? Just make sure one of these free activities doesn’t turn into “camping”. You’ll stay outdoors for days at a time and apparently they don’t have air conditioning/plumbing outside? I’m thinking about testing that one. It just seems so ludicrous.