I have been on many dates in my life, and very few have gone right. For the guys out there in the dating game, I will offer up my experiences in the hopes they can tell if they are with a crazy person before things get too serious. This week will focus on misunderstandings.

• I met this girl Wendy at Starbucks and we hit it off pretty quickly. I asked her what she wanted but I was too busy not paying attention to her that I forgot what she wanted. I went to the counter and ordered a Coke (I forgot I was at Starbucks) and the server said, “Meet Sal around back and he will hook you up”.Sal gave me a little bag of powder which I assumed was that Starbucks Via stuff, and I put it in my drink which I selflessly gave her. Needless to say she loved it, but started getting really jittery. I had to take her to the hospital because she kept banging her head on the table. She must have gotten espresso poisoning, if there is such a thing.When we got to the hospital she just ran right into the door cracking the glass. I don’t want to sound rude, but she was really embarrassing me. I had friends at the hospital and I didn’t want them to see me with this girl. I dropped her at the front desk and told the lady that she was food poisoned and I left. Wendy called out to me as I was leaving saying that she wanted to take me around the world. Yeah right, no one can afford that kind of vacation. Talk about clingy!
• This next story has to do with a time when I was going through my military phase -as in, I was attracted to women in the military. I would make care packages containing bags of nuts and pictures of me just praying one smoking hot Navy chick would write me back. No one ever wrote back except a couple weird guys, but soon enough I got a letter back with a picture that looked like it had been cut out of a magazine because the girl was hot.The letter read something like, “Dear American, I’m glad you send walnuts. If you want to see this girl again the user-name is NavyGirlLOL123.” HOLY SMOKES A FIRST DATE!

  I got on my Skype account and called her and, when she answered, I was blown away. the girl was crying she so excited to see me.We talked for a while but it was awkward because  I never saw her hands, but maybe she hadn’t cut her nails in a while because of the war. At the end she started talking about getting help, and boy is military service fast because a man quickly took her away. After that, he came up to the screen and said if I ever wanted to see her again I needed to send money.  Personally I didn’t think the date went that well because she never even asked my name, so I told him this was more of a one and done thing. That was the last I heard from her, but I’m sure she found someone who doesn’t mind a girl who hogs all the Skype talk time by complaining about being trapped. Needless to say, I didn’t go after military girls after that. Left a bad taste in my mouth.

• There was this girl named Ginger who was a teacher at a high school. I didn’t meet her at the school, I met her at the local library, but eventually I had a fake student ID made for me so I could slip in and out unnoticed. I would come visit her on her lunch breaks.One day she asked me on a date. The problem was, there was this really hot girl Macy in her class that was basically only just a few years younger than Ginger. I started seeing her on her lunch breaks too, so I was really torn about going out with Ginger. Using my speech and deception skills, I asked the school counselor what I should do in this tricky situation.I obviously told him that it was between two students, not a teacher – I’m no dummy. He suggested that I stop talking about it but all I heard from his mouth was “THREESOME”, so I broke the news to Ginger and Macy and, you wouldn’t believe it – the both said no. Luckily I brought a tape recorder with me and, with a little help from Sal’s son, who ironically went to that school, we made it look like Ginger and Macy were plotting to murder me. Don’t ask me how that kid tweaked Macy’s voice to say things like, “We can tie him up and throw him in my trunk” but he did. I got away from that school as fast as possible. You might not call that a first date,but I totally might even call that getting to first base.

Next week: dating women with kids