Pop Culture Psycho: January 2nd – January 6th
Happy New Year, my friends! We’re now living the last year of our lives! No, I’m not referring to the calendar-making skills of the Mayans, but rather the fact that Paris Hilton has made $1.3 billion in fragrance sales since 2005. Woah, WAIT. Get down off that ledge! You’ve got to read the article that I painstakingly researched by combing through dozens of blogs and news reports.
I won’t be mentioning any of that Iowa caucus nonsense that happened earlier this week. Partly because I’m Canadian (and we elect our leaders using pine cones, and hockey sticks, to elect whatever candidate promises to keep us safe from the AIDS beavers) and, also, because I’m kind of an idiot and don’t understand any of the things my pretend-boyfriend Anderson Cooper was saying about Mittens Romney and the rest of the gang. So, as usual, this article will be all-celebrity, complete absurdity, and no substance, whatsoever. Enjoy!
- Taylor Swift’s song for ‘The Hunger Games’ soundtrack has been released. Personally, I think this is a great addition because nothing says “children fighting to their bloody and brutal deaths” quite like Taylor Swift’s voice.
- Jason Sudeikis has a new girlfriend. He’s dating the uber-religious, escaped Utah sister wife pictured below. Oops. This is kinda embarrassing but I’ve been told that’s actually Olivia Wilde.
- Jessica Alba has reportedly earned back her pre-baby body just months after giving birth. In my delightfully demented mind, Jessica Alba laid around on her couch like a fat pig until a buff personal trainer showed up and screamed in her face, “Put down the Ben & Jerry’s, fatty! You’ll never get cast in the sequel to ‘Honey/Into the Blue/Good Luck, Chuck/The Eye/The Love Guru/Valentine’s Day/Spy Kids: All the Time in the World 4D’ if you look like a fat unwashed pile of laundry!” And then he further bullied her into losing the weight. And, wow, Jessica Alba has been in some bad movies.
- Adele is dating the material for her next album, err, I mean, a new man. Simon Konecki is the CEO of a charity and is said to bear a passing resemblance to Zach Galifianakis. So, that’s an attractive couple. Hope they release a sex tape!
- Drew Barrymore is rumored to be engaged to boyfriend Will Koppelman. Let’s hope this lasts longer than that ‘Charlie’s Angels’ TV reboot.
Khloe Kardashian has been PUNK’D in an upcoming episode of PUNK’D by Kelly Osborne, and Miley Cyrus. I’ve got a couple of guesses as to what the PUNK’D prank might be:
- “You’re not really a Kardashian. You were adopted. Your real mother is a yeti. PUNK’D!”
- “This whole time you thought you’ve been married to Lamar Odom when in actuality you’ve been married to that beastly kid from ‘The Blind Side’! PUNK’D!”
- “We killed Kim. PUNK’D!”
The biggest PUNK’D of all-time has to be that we even know who the Kardashians are. PUNK’D!
The column is a little shorter this week. Canada lost an important hockey game and I haven’t stopped crying or listening to the Shania Twain/Celine Dion/KD Lang playlist I made to make myself feel better. So, I’ll leave you with the three most inane celebrity twitpics of the week and wish you a wonderful weekend.
- Mariah Carey will do anything for attention! Even if that means physically assaulting husband Nick Cannon, blaming the “accident” on Nick tripping over one of Dem Babies’ toys, pretending it’s kidney failure so she won’t arouse suspicion, and then climbing into his hospital bed and clinging to his body as if it were a giant Twinkie.
- In news that was completely surprising to me, Courtney Love and Gwyneth Paltrow are friends. Whenever they meet up, it’s just like any other meeting of gal pals. They discuss boys and share secrets. Sometimes they braid each other’s hair. Gwyneth gives Courtney advice on cleaning pashmina scarves, and the differences between red and white quinoa. And then Courtney tells Gwyneth how to kill your husband and make it look like a suicide. Oh, how they laugh! It’s basically an episode of ‘Sex and the City’!
- Kim Kardashian posted a photo for some dumb fashion line or shoot or something she’s working on. It’s boring and I fell asleep. She hashtagged it #channelingElizabethTaylor. Normally, I’m a grump about the power of celebrity and what designates A-list and whatnot. But the more I thought about this, the more I realized the similarities between Elizabeth Taylor and Kim Kardashian. Kim’s been married twice and Elizabeth Taylor was married eight times. They both enjoy ruining the sanctity of marriage! Secondly, Elizabeth Taylor famously loved all jewelry, including diamonds, tiaras, rings, and baubles. And Kim loves pearl necklaces!
Alright, that’s all from me! See ya next week, ya nerds!
About Sam Montgomery
Pop Culture Psycho (PCP) columnist Sam Montgomery has entered her twenties and still hopes to one day be adopted by Meryl Streep. She likes sad songs, wearing Snuggies in public, and drinking wine from plastic cups. She was Emma Stone before Emma Stone was a thing.
