Ever dated a Capricorn? Yeah, you’re in for an interesting ride. A Capricorn is like a subdued dictator of a small country (larger than Cuba, but maybe not as big as North Korea). Opinionated, dominant, stubborn, and highly “odd” in equal measure, you don’t know whether to blindly follow this goat up the mountain just out of sheer fascination for where they are heading, or whether to try and shove them off a precipice (preferably, a rather high precipice that requires them to tumble on the way down…a lot).

A bruised ego is hard to come by for this sign. They know all, they see all, and also, they wear all. This sign is ridiculously inventive with their fashion. It’s rare that their shoes match their outfit, or that their tie goes with their blazer. Expect a flair of originality when they come out of their closet. You aren’t quite sure if the outfit really works, but in a very quirky way, your Cappie makes it work.

They’ll be sure to tell you their opinion on everything from world politics to the coffee shop around the corner. It’s rare this sign doesn’t have something to say about anything. They are sticklers for perfection, even though they claim to be cool or fine with “whatever.” That’s the messed up part: they think they are easy-going, but then again, most dictators think they are loved.

If you decide to ride this goat, here are some pros and cons for your “adventure” ahead:

1)    Pro: they will make you seem normal, because NO ONE beats their crazy.

2)    Pro: they are most likely wealthy because they save money and spend it wisely (or invest it soundly).

3)    Pro: quality, not quantity, is their goal. So even if their wildly patterned shoes or tie doesn’t match the rest of their outfit, you can bet it is designer and cost a pretty penny.

4)    Pro: when it comes to sex, they are surprisingly good at it. Maybe it’s because they are over-achievers, or maybe it’s because they get laid often enough because they have enough money and “crazy” in them to appeal to the lonely person in the bar that night. Whatever the reason, they know how to be a good lay.

5)    Con: originality aside, they come off as rather cold, or aloof, when it comes to love. They have tons of walls up. In fact, it’s a f%^& fortress. Sex is easy for them to come by; but love? Shit, it’s like you have to invade their heart, guerrilla warfare style.

But you can probably throw this list away because if you meet a Cap, and they like you, you will be sucked into their vortex. They make themselves hard to resist. It’s flattering to have a workaholic pay attention to you (you wonder: am I that special?). It’s flattering that a control freak can lose it with you in between the sheets (you wonder: am I a sex god?). It’s flattering to get Tiffany or Cartier jewelry just because it’s Tuesday (you wonder: am I dreaming?). It’s also damn flattering to have a stylishly decorated penthouse in NYC as your second home because they knew how to invest after the Wall Street crashes in 2008, 2009, 2010, and 2011 (you wonder: am I dating Bernie Madoff?).

If you’re having trouble landing this goat, try these few tips:

1)    Forget sprinkling the bed with roses. Sprinkle it with pennies or dollar bills (preferably $100s, but $50s will suffice). Money turns them on. (True story: my Cap friend got seduced by a man when he put pennies all over her bed and lit candles around her bedroom. She thought it was erotic to smell like copper post-coital.)

2)    Wine and dine them. Caps love their food. Have a bottle of Moët or Veuve Clicquot waiting for them, perfectly chilled, with a tray of either strawberries dipped in the finest dark chocolate, or a spread of gourmet cheeses. If you are a great cook, cook for them. If you are only a good cook, have someone cater. A “good” cook will an illicit a reply from them along the lines of “Oh, this is good. But you know what would make this better?” and then your Cap would pull up their own recipe on the newest iPhone version that just hit the market. Total epic fail on your behalf.

3)    Show them your offer letter for your next job that also marks a 10-15% salary increase. Or, better yet, show them the new retail space you just bought to start your own business. They’ll help you christen your new space, fo’ sure.

And hey, this sign will annoy the hell out of you. Trust me. But since they tend to work all sorts of hours, the good news if that they’ll only annoy you for the few hours that they spend with you each day.