For millions of years parents have toyed with what to do with their pesky kids when they’re acting up: screaming, crying, peeing on the walls, and eating the squash from your wonderful garden. Casey Anthony just makes them disappear like she’s a modern day Hermione Granger. The Ramsey’s had aliens beam up her daughter. My parents were never there. I want a fool proof method that is perfectly legal so that when my son comes running to me saying, “Daddy, I’m curious”, I can properly dispose of him for a few days while my wife and I enjoy the good life with our good, photo friendly children. Here are some ideas:

1. The Cellar. This one is my personal favorite because the kids are still at home and you know where they are. When your wife or husband (who shouldn’t be asking because men don’t care about kids) asks, “Honey, where are the kids?” you can just point to the basement door that now has a clever sign on it saying ‘Cellar’. Your kids will appreciate it because most children that act out are just trying and tell the world they want to be left alone. A couple days “in the cellar”, as you can playfully call it, will turn your kids into angels. When they emerge hungry and tired, they will take comfort in knowing they have a one way ticket back down there if they try to sleep in your bed again.
2. Drop Off Locations. This method is quite the opposite from the first one because it requires a lot more trust in your child. If your daughter tries to be a free thinker at the dinner table, just hoist her into the backseat of the family(wife’s) minivan and take her about 5 miles away. Stop the car and give her your prepared punishment bag that contains a bottle of milk, the two end slices of bread, and a poorly drawn map of directions home. Push your sweetie out of the van and drive off. Return home and relax.
3. The ‘Ol Switch A Roo. This final method is by far the riskiest. Say your kid asks for your help with his or her homework, and you’ve had a rough day. Hoist him into the seat of your [wife’s] vehicle and drive her to a store of your choosing. DON’T FORGET TO GRAB  MATCHING BUNNY MASKS. When you arrive at the store, start shopping around like you’ve done nothing wrong. Then, find a child that is about your son or daughter’s size and slip the bunny mask on when the child’s parent is flirting heavily with the bag boy. When the parent looks back she/he will think “What a creative child I have, should I put him in the cellar when I get home? Who cares – this bag boy is hot!” Then put a mask on your kid. More hoisting is involved as you hoist the unknown child into your cart and put your kid in theirs. Leave quickly and let the mystery begin. I have never seen this method work, so only try it if you’re willing to be without your child for a few days.