Pop Culture Psycho: December 26th-30th

This holiday week was a big one in the world of celebrity. They got up to all sorts of shenanigans. I often imagine all of Hollywood during the holidays as being a zoo, of sorts. The zookeepers and Kevin James leave for the night, turn out the lights, and then the animals are set to play, resulting in a cornucopia of craziness, and zoo orgies, and fight clubs.

And let us look into another week that was.

• Vanessa Bryant filed for divorce from Kobe Bryant last weekend. Kobe is said to be deeply depressed by the situation, and would like to work things out for the children. Hey, remember when Kobe Bryant raped that girl? Oh, wait, I’m sorry. Remember when Kobe Bryant had consensual sex with an entirely willing young woman, like all professional athletes do? And then Vanessa got that $4 million ‘I’m sorry I’m a rapist, please don’t leave me’ ring? I kind of want to parallel Lord of the Rings and the Kobe Bryant situation but I won’t submit you to that. (Spoiler alert: Vanessa is Gollum!)
• The songstress Dido gave birth in July. When asked why she waited so long to release the news to the world, Dido said she wanted to tell the media sooner but reporters kept confusing her with Jewel.
• During Kris Humphries first game with the New Jersey Nets, fans booed him. Kris wasn’t upset, though, because ever since the fantasy wedding Kris had been booing himself.

• Mariah Yeater, the woman that accused the J Biebs of being her baby’s father, still believes that Justin is the father and will continue to pursue the case. Upon hearing the news, O.J Simpson volunteered to help her find the real father.
• Earlier this week, Jennifer Hudson said she turned down the role of Precious in ‘Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire’. This was really surprising to me because this whole time I thought J-Hud WAS Precious! They all look the same to me! No, no, not black people. Fat people!
• Sinead O’Connor’s marriage is over after 18 blissful days. It’s a real shame. It makes me question the sanctity of marriage, you know? Reportedly, Sinead refuses to give back the toaster that the Pope sent her. That girl just won’t give up a grudge!

• Rachel Uchitel is pregnant! I don’t know, but I think her baby is going to be a golf superstar! After all, it’s going to get months of practice with all the golf clubs and equipment Tiger Woods left in Uchitel’s vagina.
• Matthew McConaughey is engaged to the mother of his two children. He wanted to propose earlier but he couldn’t find a minister that would circumvent the usual ‘No shoes, no shirt, no wedding’ rules at church.
• Russell Brand and Katy Perry spent Christmas apart, adding to months of speculation that they have been having marital trouble. Russell is supposedly upset because all this time he thought he was married to Zooey Deschanel.

I like Russell Brand and Katy Perry together. I don’t know why, but I do. I’m rooting for them. Thus, I have some very unsolicited advice for them:

1. You have to spend the holidays together. You just have to. That’s what normal couples do. Even if Christmas rolls around, and you fucking hate each other’s guts, you suck it up. You wear those stupid matching pajamas, that in my mind couples wear, and you have awkward holiday sex at your inlaw’s house and then you get drunk and save any further resentment for January 2nd. THAT’S MARRIAGE.
2. Russell, I know you’ve made a huge mistake. You married her thinking, “Oh, cool, it’s a popstar and me! This is a kooky marriage. Her being from California, and me being a recovering drug addict!” But, buddy, you’re going to have to stick with it. She’s not going away (even as much as we, the people who listen to the radio, would like her to!) Buy her a new neon-coloured wig and pay her a compliment. Hope it gets better.
3. Katy, um, I don’t even know. I don’t even know why you’re a person. I’m sorry.

• Matt Damon is angry at President Obama. He said, “You know, a one-term president with some balls who actually got stuff done would have been, in the long run of the country, much better.” Of course, Damon was referring to Obama’s stringent laws against celebrities buying zoos.

• Sexiest Man Alive Bradley Cooper and not-Sexiest Woman Alive are rumoured to be dating. A source tells E! News, “They are totally dating!” Good enough for me! That sounds completely legitimate and I 100% believe it!

That’s it for 2011! Wrap this bitch of a year up and re-gift it to your crazy religious aunt that always posts Facebook statuses about how Jesus is the only man she’ll ever love. I’ll be back in 2012 to keep you informed of all the latest happenings of Hollywood’s worst.

These are the dreams I hope come true in 2012:

- An Obama cameo on The Walking Dead.
- An Anderson Cooper sextape.
- Britney Spear and Justin Timberlake reunited. In denim.
- Kate Winslet + Leonardo DiCaprio = love forever.
- Prince William knocks up Kate Middleton. And Princess Harry knocks up me.

What are your pop culture wishes for 2012? Leave them in the comment section! And have a pleasant tomorrow.