When it comes to women and language, it is nearly impossible for men to figure out the difference between what she says and what she means. If you’ve ever been in a relationship, I’m 100% certain you know what I’m talking about. This especially applies to those type of arguments where you feel like you have to go through World War III before any solution is reached.
Frustrating, right? Well, today is your lucky day because I will decode the four most common phrases women use to give you a heads up that a shit storm is about to go down. Women only want you to think you’ve been let off the hook when in reality you’re about to be tested: if you fail you’re pretty much fucked.
SHE SAYS: “I’ll call you”.
SHE MEANS: I’m so angry right now and I really need my space but when I say space I mean I need to have a glass of wine before I completely lose my mind. If I make it through a half a glass and I STILL haven’t heard from you, you‘ve screwed up again. Oh, and don’t even try to put this back on me and say “Well you told me you’d call me!” No, that is not the point! The point is that you should call me fifteen minutes after our fight to apologize. You’re bat shit crazy if you think I’m about to be the one who apologizes first.
SHE SAYS: “I’m fine”.
SHE MEANS: I’m not fine. You fucked this up big time and your vagina privileges are about to be revoked if you don’t figure out a way to fix this. If you even come close to thinking I’m fine, I WILL bring up that one time from two years ago when I caught you flirting with that whore waitress. So what if that situation has absolutely nothing to do with our current argument? It happened and that’s all that matters.
SHE SAYS: “I’m over it”.
SHE MEANS: Saying “I’m over it” is ten times worse than saying I’m fine. Even if you don’t know what “it” is that I’m apparently over that’s your problem, not mine. You should also know that I do not have to explain myself because I have a vagina. If you think I’m over it, just know I’m plotting my revenge and I’m coming up with a creative way to make you extremely jealous. So while you’re thinking I just let you off the hook, you should know I’m going to go out with my girlfriends to get white girl wasted and you better believe I’ll be wearing my sluttiest dress. I’m going to hit on a bunch of dudes and get at least five numbers. I’ll make sure to text them all and then leave my phone out so you just happen to see all the guys I have lined up for when I leave your ass. Even after all of this and you STILL don’t know what “it” is, that’s your fault and you could have avoided this in the first place.
SHE SAYS: “Sure, you go have your guys’ night”.
SHE MEANS: What the fuck! You can’t spend an entire weekend with me? Sure, we spent Thursday and Friday together but why not Saturday too? I’m FINALLY over that one time from two years ago when I caught you flirting with that whore waitress so now you should be focusing on MY vagina and my vagina alone! I’m actually feeling pretty generous and considering giving you a couple blow jobs, so why on Earth would you not want to spend MORE time with me??? If you think I’m okay with letting you have a guys’ night, you’re wrong! Now get upstairs and take off your pants because the only place you’re going tonight is pound town.
There you have it – hidden messages decoded. Next time you hear your lovely lady say one or all of these phrases, you’ll know what she really means. Trust me, if you just agree with us all the time you’ll do just fine never have vagina privileges revoked.