Other posts from this series can be found here. – .ed

Dear 27-Year-Old Me,

Pssst! Vegas.  Seriously.  Get married in Vegas.  Wear a black cocktail dress.  Have an Elvis impersonator do the deed.  Tell your close friends and family to come if they want.  Take them all to dinner at a really nice place afterwards.   This will be cheaper than the “casual” wedding you think you’re going to throw.  Stay for a couple of days, then honeymoon in Maui or Rome.  Do it.

Look, I know what you’re trying to do.  You’re fresh back from your uber-romantic Paris engagement.  You’re in love.  You’re mushy as fuck.  You think you can throw a casual, fun party that will be awesome but not a big deal.  You think it will be like all the other parties you’ve thrown in your life.  But, it won’t.  Planning a wedding is HARD! Run; don’t walk to Las Vegas.  Actually, fly.  It’s only forty-five minutes.

Okay, I can see you’re confused.  You’re still thinking you can pull it off.  I’ll break it down for you.  You want:  a simple dress, a picnic-style reception, pies and candy, barbeque and beers.  You’ll get:  a big poufy Christian Dior dress, a full-on catered meal (with barbeque at least), a giant wedding cake and champagne.  It will be a lovely, gorgeous night.  You’ll have fun.  You’ll remember it forever.  The photos will be amazing.

But.

It will be expensive, it will take a year to plan and it will never ever live up to your expectations.  You’ll bend to the will of your mother and your mother-in-law.  You’ll let your fiancé talk you out of a band and you’ll end up with crappy sound coming out of your iPod through crappy speakers.  You’ll be exhausted.  You’ll catch a cold.  You’ll gain ten stress pounds.  Your family and bridesmaids will go along with whatever you want because they love you but they’re tired too.  They’d rather go to Vegas and see an Elvis impersonator.  ESPECIALLY YOUR MOM!  She loves that dude.  Think about it, maybe he can sing “Rubberneckin’ “as you sashay down the aisle.  Perfect.

Seriously.  Vegas.

So, yeah, you’ll regret the decision to have a big ass wedding.  But, just know, here in the future, that you still don’t regret the guy.  So, do what you’re gonna do.  But, lay off the stress eating because future you is way the hell skinnier and she cringes every time she looks at those rehearsal dinner photos. (What the hell were you thinking with that skirt?  Ugh!!!)

xoxo,

Older Smarter You Who Can Say No To Mom and Mom-In-Law

P.S.  Don’t go to the Donkey Show in Amsterdam.