Column intro: Celebrities? Can you believe what they put us through? The heartaches, the highs, the lows, the DUIs, the fake marriages, it’s a smorgasboard of awful. And I have to be the one that intensely cares about it so you don’t have to log onto Perez Hilton at work and get caught looking at pictures of Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy spread, resulting in you getting called into your bosses office and be called a sexual deviant in front of his secretary who is furiously writing down every insult your boss throws your way. This is why I’m here. I’m whatever the internet needs me to be. A hero. Not the hero you deserve, but the hero you need. So, uh, let’s just get started, okay? This is what happened this week.

Pop Culture Psycho for December 19-23, 2011

• Britney Spears got engaged to her boyfriend with the weird, everchanging hair. Sources say the engagement ring cost $90,000. The cost of the ring is why I believe this has to be true love, because 1, she likely paid for the ring, and 2, if she paid for it, 90 grand buys a heck of a lot of Cheetos and weaves and lattes from Starbucks, so she must feel like it’s money well-spent. I wish them a long and happy life together.

Let’s just be glad the days of Britney looking like Vegas’ supreme Gollum impersonator are finished:

• Chaz Bono and his fiance have broken up. Upon hearing the news, people gathered to the streets to mourn The Ross and Rachel of our generation. This was the scene:

People are taking this one hard. Reportedly, Chaz thought he could do better than his former flame, Jennifer Elia. Which, um, sure, I guess that’s a valid opinion that someone not in their right mind could possess. We all overvalue our personal stock at times. I still think there’s a chance for me and Anderson Cooper to copulate. Except that unlike Mr. Bono’s delusions, mine are actually accurate, and will happen.

•  Kardashian Korner: The Kardashian Klan released their Kristmas Kard. I hate stating the obvious so I’m not going to talk about the elephant in the room (Khloe.) I’m not going to discuss how they all look like they have fecal matter under their noses. I’m not even going to mention the effects of freaky plastic surgery (Bruce and Kris.) Something, something, Scott Disick = Patrick Bateman

In cast-off Kardashian news, Kris Humphries is set to sign with the New Jersey Nets. Personally, I’m happy for him. How did he ever expect to attract new ladies being divorced AND unemployed? Upon hearing the news, Kim Kardashian is rumoured to have uttered “Hahaha, the riffraff has to live in New Jersey! Na na na na na!” Then she farted and blamed it on Khloe.

•  Debra Messing and her husband have split. The cause? Her ex said it was like she disappeared off the face of the Earth when Will and Grace ended.
• NYU Professor Jose Angel Santana is suing NYU after he claims he was fired for giving James Franco a D. The professor claims Franco was not present in less than half of the semester’s classes, which was also the case with the Oscar telecast. James Franco: woah, woah, hey, I’m awake! no, i was just resting my eyes. i heard everything you were lecturing about. yes, english literature! writing! paper! pen! ink!

Because I didn’t do this column when the pictures of James Franco asleep in class surfaced, I’d like to roll out a few jokes now. JOKE-OFF!

James Franco fell asleep in class. He claims he was just practicing for the Oscars.

After falling asleep in class, James Franco’s excuse was that he finally watched all of his movies that came out before 127 Hours.

When James Franco fell asleep in class, producers of Spiderman 3 were like “What, there are times when he’s awake? There are times when he is coherent, charming and not phoning in his lines?”

Hilarious, I know. Don’t worry, I’ll be here all week. 

• The Hobbit trailer has been released. Giving nerds their best orgasm since The Dark Knight Rises trailer was released.
• Blake Lively lands on Vogue UK’s Best Dressed list because, um, obviously. She has MAGICAL PANTS!!!!!!
•  In news that is yawn-inducing, Justin Timberlake has proposed to Jessica Biel. Admittedly, I haven’t cared for Justin Timberlake much since the days of him and Britney Spears wearing matching denim outfits ended:

And, I’ve never cared about Jessica Biel. It’s hard to even feign interest in someone so YAWN-worthy. But I can get behind this engagement. Why? Because this is how he proposed (this is not how he proposed):

Justin: Hey girl, I’ve got something really important to give you. So just sit down and listen. Girl, you know we’ve been together for such a long long time

Jessica: Such a long time

Justin: And now I’m ready to lay it on the line. Wow, you know it’s Christmas and my heart is open wide. Gonna give you something so you know what’s on my mind. A gift real special, so take it off the top. Take a look inside. It’s my ring in a box! It’s in a box!

Jessica: Wow, Justin! It really is a ring! Usually when you do this kind of thing, it’s usually, you know, your dick in that box.

Justin: Girl, I know. But I’m feeling all romantic and stuff. I figured what’s cooler than one engagement ring? ONE BILLION ENGAGEMENT RINGS.

Jessica: Oh, Justin, of course I acc-ZZZZZ *Jessica sees her own reflection in a mirror and falls asleep*

Justin puts his dick in the box.

And, kids, that’s the story of how I met your mother Justin Timberlake proposed to Jessica Biel.

What a week! Engagements, breakups, and nerd orgasms, oh my! I hope I don’t have to write about the Kardashians every week but I can’t guarantee this. After all, there’s like 73 of them and they fuck up on a daily basis. Stay tuned for more! In the spirit of (insert holiday of your choice here) I now present you the best photo of Prince William that has ever been taken. This is why we need the Monarchy. RIP Princess Diana.

Thanks, all! I’ll see you next week with more saucy smut!