“AHHHH WHAT WAS THAT!” If you have ever said that while at a lady’s place, it means one of two things: 1. her attempt to let you know she’s in the mood by pinching your inner thigh; or 2. her pet scuttling along the hardwood floor.

You can tell almost anything about women by their pets. Here is a list of them and what they say about your possible wife:

• Dog: ok, let’s get the boring one out of the way. If she has a dog count yourself lucky, she likes a companion and is ready to love. Warning: if she’s ugly, don’t get her mixed up with her dog.
• 4 Dogs: she wants kids and doesn’t even need to be married. Her “birth control” is shaved-down Flintstone vitamins.
• Cat:  she doesn’t really need a man but it would be appreciated.
• 20 Cats: get the hell out of her house; she may have a few more under her sofa or in her sofa. And yes, she was on an episode of Hoarders which is why you’re sitting on a pile of Time magazines.
• Lizard: oh my, she is exotic. Get ready for a fun night. And more fun nights.  And then one night the lizard will want to be included and you will be faced with a choice.
• Horse: this is one homegrown woman. So homegrown that she won’t buckle down and buy another horse. Who has one horse?
• 3 Horses: there we go! She is a cuddler…with those horses. Are the horses named Ebony and Daisy? Or Katrina’s Chance and Zizzy Gallupa? It makes a big difference as to whether you will be spending your weekends picking up horse poop or hiding from those henchmen in brawler hats down at the track (never bet against men with shifty eyes).
• Bat: did you meet her in an alley? A comic shop called The Alley? Get away from her before she calls you her personal heroine or offers you heroine.
• Bunny/Rabbit: if she calls it a bunny get ready to be asked to baby sit her and her sister by her parents you pedophile. If she says rabbit then get ready to be really tired in the morning – she will talk your ear off about animal rights. Just kidding, she’s a sex fiend.
• Birds: depends on the birds. Toucan: trust me it’s fake. Sparrow: Why? Crow: Wiccan. Eagle: Report her to the police, drug her, and take the bird but make sure you had pictures of her with the bird so you can just say she mailed it to an illegal bird harming place.
• Fish: boring! Unless she has exotic crazy ones that change color and eat her bats.
• Human: if you are stupid enough to be dating someone who has a human in her basement, and you can clearly hear moaning and she keeps going down there with a saucer of Four Loco, then you either are the
  one down there or you better have provided her with that human.

Women are complicated, almost as complicated as it was trying to fit a choice Pee Wee Herman reference in this column. There are many more pets they can have but these are the most common. “Alex you are a sexist: men are crazy, too!” Fine! Here is what pets say about men.

• Any Pet: LIKE OMG HE IS SUCH A SENSITIVE GUY AND
  HE CARES ENOUGH TO TAKE CARE OF A PET, AND IT’S NOT A CHIA PET! SO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY!  MY CLOTHES ARE ALREADY OFF!