December 31st, 2011. A completely empty Times Square.
Litter coats the cold cement as a steady wind carries through the narrow corridors of Manhattan’s interior, making the sound of an old, confused dog, wandering through the woods at night and crying out for its owner. The sky is dim and late, going along nicely with an almost-dead 2011.
HILARY SWANK steps into view, looking around at her desolate surroundings. She’s the head of some city council that runs the holiday celebrations. She is very overworked. She caresses her face to reassure herself that her jaw line is still pronounced.
HILARY SWANK: I am a very handsome woman. I am very overworked. I also am harboring a guilt complex that will later be explained through this whacky web of interconnection.
LUDACRIS walks up and stands beside her. He is the head security guard in the building SWANK works at—he is humble and wise and adds levity to SWANK’s headstrong persona. She looks at him.
HILARY SWANK: You are so humble and wise. Thank you.
LUDACRIS: I am hoping to get off early from work tonight, so I can go home and be with my family in the most humble and wise way I can say that.
Just then, JOSH DUHAMEL wanders up to them both with his perfect gait. He is wearing a perfect tuxedo and has a perfect tan. His hair is perfectly parted, and he carries a bouquet of flowers. He looks perfectly confused.
JOSH DUHAMEL: I’m very wealthy, and was left a great deal of money by my dead father. I am also very sexy, and many women desire me. However, tonight, at midnight, I am hoping to meet with a lady stranger who I was with last New Year’s Eve. You see, we didn’t exchange names, or any information like that, but we knew each other, in a very sexy and perfect way. I also plan to murder her after.
ASHTON KUTCHER and LEA MICHELE arrive, but in a lofty and bohemian elevator that they are stuck in, after getting into it at their lofty and bohemian apartment building.
LEA MICHELE: I’m a singer-character, played by a singer. I will hopefully make my mark tonight at the Times Square event where I’ll be doing back-up singing for BON JOVI’s rock star-character, played by a rock star. One time, I considered smothering my dog with a pillow while he slept next to me.
ASHTON KUTCHER: I wear flannel pajama pants.
They passionately kiss, then LEA MICHELE sings the chorus of “Have a Little Faith In Me” while ASHTON KUTCHER continues to wear flannel pajama pants. He begins to weep.
KATHERINE HEIGL, BON JOVI, SOFIA VERGARA appear.
KATHERINE HEIGL: I’m an up-and-coming caterer. I was once engaged to Bon Jovi’s rock star-character—he broke it off last New Year’s Eve. I am also very tall and have many desperate tones in my voice.
BON JOVI: I am a rock star-character, played by a rock star. I plan on wearing down Katherine Heigl until she forgives me. No matter how hard I try, I will never look like Ellen DeGeneres.
SOFIA VERGARA: I am very charming! And Colombian! And I have a prominent bosom!
ABIGAIL BRESLIN and SARAH JESSICA PARKER appear.
ABIGAIL BRESLIN: I am a young teenager on the brink of sexuality and independence. (Points to SJP) My divorced, seamstress mother is afraid of me meeting up with a boy at midnight. She wants me to stay at home and drink wine spritzers with her while wearing the sad gowns she makes for a living.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER shrugs her shoulders and smirks, in that very SARAH JESSICA PARKER way of shrugging shoulders and smirking. She then does a tap dance for the others. Her bones clank as she moves.
HALLE BERRY appears, pushing ROBERT DE NIRO in a wheelchair. He is on life support.
HALLE BERRY: I have, like, 7 lines in this movie.
ROBERT DE NIRO: I am dying. I have burned bridges with my family and none of them want to see me before I die. Before I die, I want to see the Times Square ball drop from the roof of the hospital, because there is nothing like New York on New Year’s Eve. I will repeat this a lot.
ZAC EFRON appears on a vespa, with MICHELLE PFEIFFER clutching him from the back of it.
ZAC EFRON: is becoming Joey Fatone.
MICHELLE PFEIFFER: I am a dissatisfied secretary. Please don’t confuse my plotline with Selina Kyle’s plotline in Batman Returns. I am strangely off in this movie, and not in the way the script intended me to be.
JESSICA BIEL and SETH MEYERS appear. JESSICA BIEL is on a hospital bed, giving birth to a baby in a very endearingly neurotic manner. SETH MEYERS probably wrote his own dialogue.
ALSO, ALYSSA MILANO and JOHN LITHGOW and JIM BELUSHI and MATTHEW BRODERICK and JOEY McINTYRE and HECTOR ELIZONDO appear.
Everyone moves in closer. Their skin attaches together, and they form into a giant MARK RUFFALO. He roars and goes on to lay waste to Manhattan, as well as the rest of the world, in a very non-threatening and down to earth way.
