1. Convince yourself he is a serial killer.

Did he offer to pay for your drink? Hold the door? Talk about his pet? Not own a pet? Look at your chest? Look at your eyes? Talk about his childhood? Avoid talking about his childhood? Call you? Okay. He is trying to murder you. Do not go out with him again. He will take you to a cave, abandoned steel mill, or Santos Party House to slay you.

2. Have a go-to list of universal personal insults. Use liberally and without reason.

Choose something deeply aggressive and patently confusing. Try something playful, like ‘You have shitty eyes.’ If you’re out to dinner, pause, hold his hand, and accuse him of being erect. Storm out when he says he is not erect. Whisper, ‘I thought we had something. I thought we built something together.’

3. Appear as Your OMG True Self.

Avoid any kind of personal enhancement. If he doesn’t like you right away, before you build any kind of sustainable personal connection, he’s worthless. He just wants you for your 6.2/10 New York body.

The ideal look to go for is The Real You – stripped of the trappings of liberal modernity. To help conceive of The Real You, think of what you’d look like if you lived in pilgrim times, and were seducing a blacksmith, shop keep, or thrifty baker. Swap out your typical hair and makeup routine with Google searches for sensual elixers, patent medicines, and how to guides for making your own lipstick from animal fat.

4. Repeat ‘I’m so funny, lol’ over and over. Loudly.

Men think all women are funny, and entirely deserving of their own reality television show. They always say this. Talk about how you’re similar to an artist/business mogul/President of the United States that’s more successful than you. Did you come up with the idea for pre-paid cell phones before pre-paid cell phones existed? Did something funny happen to you on the train earlier? Do you think movie tickets are expensive? Repeat how funny you are in between stories about how the purple he sees might be the blue you see.

5. Monopolize conversations.

Use breaks in conversation as opportunities to repeat lines from your Twitter feed. Say ‘I fear I will die without having a verified account. I’m so afraid of death. But we have tonight.’ Talk about LinkedIn. Wait for the mood to get sexy. Make a comment about how sexual release always reminds you of Seasons 2-3 of Roseanne. Recite the logline for every episode of Roseanne. Excuse yourself to watch Roseanne.