Besides my Foxworthian intellect, Rep. Chris Lee Manaconda and shined up He-Pelt that could make a Pygmy Chimpanzee blush, it has long been rumored that Denny possesses a pitch-perfect fashion eye–a very hetero one, in that the eye totally has sex with a lot of women in any number of positions. So your favorite sexual tinderbox has agreed to assist a friend in (great) need with some literary alms–one Matthew Mortimer Exeter Brand, IV. Or, as Denny Dance likes to call him, The Homely Daniel Craig. So sit and learn. You will be tested by virtue of your likely interaction with another human being at some point this month.
1. White Sunglasses: If you’re over 25 and/or have a penis this can never happen. Not ever. Douchebags will call each other your name. And that halfway-boneable chick Maggie at Red Robin on Baker Lane will stop pretending to tolerate you even if you keep tipping her 120% and/or continue posting about her in the Missed Connections section of the Belmont Heights Journal.
2. Uggs: Ranked somewhere between Birkenstocks, Tevas, Aqua Socks and carbuncled flesh.
3. Mullets: Denny owns the trademark, copyright, patent and all other intellectual property/ownership interests in this pussy-slickening Godsend, including the ‘fashion mullet’ as the above was labelled. Walk away, Jimmy. Before the tiger scratches you.
4. Fake Ironic: If a brother has somehow archived a legit 1977 Count Motherfucking Chocula wife-beater or Captain Caveman capri pant then by all means you are exempt and probably fairly tolerable. But rocking a Dr. Pepper t-shirt that you scored on sale at SuperTarget in December 2010 is about as cool as Scott Walker’s taint.
5. Denny On Your Arm: Trick question. Always in vogue, child.
6. Vests on Men: Sorry to break your heart, but you’re not Will Schuester. And even if you were, you wouldn’t exactly be trying to impress a lady, would you?
7. Vests on Women: If this is your thing, mama, just skip the trip to Marshall’s and buy the dogsled.
8. Skinny Jeans: You’re gayer than The Miami Sound Machine, Chachi. Get Denny a coal-black pair of Bugle Boys and I’m 3/4 of the way to sexing any 18+ y.o. ladybox life support unit blessed with a pair of functioning eyeballs. ** Straight Leg editor’s note: SL does not fully endorse this DelVecchian Don’t – we have rules about skinny jeans that will be fully explored in future posts **
There you have it. Never say Denny didn’t try to help you. But if you still can’t pull it off, remember that many of the most fashion-forward humans in history reached 30 without ever having secured the company of a woman.
But enough about Menudo.
I though Douchebag was one word. Now I know.