He says he’s going to call, but you never hear from him again. He says that she’s just a friend, but then you find them in bed together. He says that he’s not looking for a relationship, but always wants to spend time with you.
Men are so misleading, and yet it’s women that get the negative labels and stereotypes slapped on us by society for simply having feelings and a uterus. It’s unfair and frankly an excuse for men to feel better when they act like insensitive assholes. Women aren’t “moody” or “emotional;” we are intuitive and, if we listen closely enough, we can hear exactly what men are saying even when they’re not saying it.
So ladies, here are some translations and clever comebacks to common statements made by men, helping you understand what he is really trying to say.
He says: “Are you gonna eat that?”
Translation: He just called you a fat cow.
So you say: “I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE IN A FUCKING HOLE”
He says: “Hey! Wanna go for a jog with me today?”
Translation: He just got done watching “Kill Bill” or some shit and suddenly thinks he’s dating Uma Thurman. But who would want to date Uma Thurman? She’s like 7 feet tall. You don’t know karate but at least you’re a cute 5’4”
So you say: “I’D RATHER SLIT MY FUCKING WRISTS. WHERE’S THE PEANUT BUTTER.”
He says: “Is that a new look? ”
Translation: He doesn’t understand fashion. You do.
So you say: “WINK AT ME AGAIN AND I’LL RIP YOUR STUPID EYELIDS OFF”
He says: “Is that a Snickers bar or Milky Way?”
Translation: He’s calling you a fat whore again.
So you say: “I’M BLEEDING FROM MY UTERUS YOU ASSHOLE.”
He says: “I thought we could try a vegan recipe tonight!”
Translation: This is an early warning sign that your man is becoming a hipster. Sure, it’s just one meal, but soon he’ll be wearing skinny jeans, listening to Fleet Foxes, pretending to understand Woody Allen movies, and using $5 chai lattes as accessories.
So you say: “ARE YOU RETARDED?*”
*more effective if you say this while holding a chicken thigh and ripping pieces off with your teeth
He says: That’s not what I meant.
Translation: That’s what he meant.
So you say: THAT IS WHAT YOU MEANT
He says: “Can we talk about this later?”
Translation: He thinks women are stupid. He’s assuming that you’re going to run off to eat another Snickers bar or read Cosmo and forget the whole thing. Well guess what: you’re not.
So you say: “NO, BECAUSE LATER YOU’RE GONNA BE IN A COFFIN”
He says: “I love you”
Translation: He did something wrong.
You say: “I KNOW YOU FUCKED THAT GIRL”
There you have it – the most commonly used boyfriend phrases deciphered. Ladies, you’re welcome, and men? Well, you’re welcome too. Now that you’re aware that women know, WE KNOW, what you are trying to say in you’re indirect and roundabout ways. Maybe you’ll start treating us with a little bit more respect. I’m glad we straightened this out.
Also, did I mention that I’m on my period? HAHAHA. But seriously.