Hey, Gang! It’s that time of the year again. The time of giving and of joy. So I’ve decided to give you joy in the form of yet-another-update-on-a-classic that you most likely won’t be able to sing with your family. Perhaps, as you’re all huddled around the piano singing carols, you can have this swimming around in the back of your head so you won’t have to cut yourself later. Or, if your family is the type that’s hitting the bong and playing Spin the Bottle on Christmas, then this is definitely for you.

Note: Yes, I am quite aware that the first day of Christmas is December 25, and each day until January 5 make up the proverbial “12 Days of Christmas.” Two things: Starting closer to Christmas makes it look like we’re jumping on the bandwagon as everyone’s “5 Gold Cock Rings” versions circulate. Also, nobody wants to hear shit about Christmas anymore come December 26.

With that, I give you my 12 Days of Christmas. Enjoy, and have a happy holiday as visions of prostitutes dance through your head.

12 Days of Christmas

On the 12th Day of Christmas,
A hooker gave to me;

12 Bukkake Facials,
11 Snowball Hummers,
10 Angry Pirates,
9 Rusty Trombones,
8 Midgets Felching,
7 Cleveland Steamers,
6 Donkey Punches,
5 Anal Beads!
4 Fapping Nerds,
3 Flesh Lights,
2 Nipple Clamps,
And a Blumpkin in a Port-A-Potty