Capricorn:
Fire, fire, pants on fire! Even though you are typically a grounded Earth sign, December is going to bring out the passion in you in ways that will shock even the most conservative goats out there. Expect to be grounded…on your back…a lot. Santa thinks you have been nice for too long, and come Christmas day, he will bring you a naughty little gift—Jupiter will go direct in your house of true love! From now until June 2012, expect a lot of passion and love, and, if you want, baby-making plans.
Aquarius:
On the 6th day of Christmas my true love gave to me…an engagement ring? A mind-blowing session in-between the sheets? A recently published edition of Kama Sutra? When Bonnie Tyler sang her infamous “Total Eclipse of the Heart”, she was thinking of you, right now, this holiday season. A total eclipse of the moon in your house of true love will bring love to single Aquarians in the most unexpected way this holiday season. If you already have a partner, then this month you can evaluate his/her naughty and nice list and decide whether you want to stay with them forever eva, or walk on by.
Pisces:
If there was ever a time you needed to swim away, this month would be it. As you tend to be slippery when wet, plan an exit strategy (or walk of shame), pronto, before you get busted by your SO’s family, roommates, or spouse. Yes, I said it, spouse. Something’s strange in the neighborhood, and it ain’t the fat dude coming down the chimney. The solar eclipse in Gemini on December 10 is going to rock your world, not your libido. Get in some action between now and then before your sex life becomes a bit too celibate. But don’t cry, dear Pisces. That red nose only worked for Rudolph.
Aries:
Do you feel the burn? Do you feel the pressure? Oh, you should, dear Aries. Saturn is opposed to your Sun this month, and it seems as if Santa’s ass is going to get burned climbing down your chimney tonight. On the bright side, Saturn is in love with your Venus, so you may get a little help from your friends. Whether you just found out your partner was a lying piece of shit, or that you don’t give a damn any longer, your love life is actually better than you think it is. Talk it out, walk it out, rub it out…do what you gotta do to figure things out. By New Year’s Eve, the new moon will be in your sign again and will make you king (or queen) of the world.
Taurus:
Mars is buried deep in your house of true love this month, you sexy bull, you. While Mars is busy flirting with Jupiter, which will be in Taurus until June 2012, you finally will meet your true love. Pamper yourself as only you can and RSVP to every holiday party. This time, getting drunk and singing out “Ho, ho, ho” on top of the bar will NOT get you in trouble. Let Uranus flirt with Venus and expect this month to be stimulating and scintillating. You definitely will not be on Santa’s “nice” list by the time the clock strikes midnight on December 31.
Gemini:
Your ruling planet, Mercury, is retrograde until December 14. Since everything will be ass backwards all month for you, why don’t you just indulge and try new positions out…ass backwards? Confusions will abound, and relationships may be challenging, so get ready to possibly deal with someone’s issues when the solar eclipse in your sign hits on December 10. You may pout and stomp that it isn’t fair to get screwed over in an eclipse that YOU are controlling. So, take a deep breath, put down the cocktail or cigarette, and just go get screwed. When the moon goes into Aries on New Year’s Eve, all things will be looking up.
Cancer:
Santa decided that someone needed to put a ring on it, and you are the lucky winner, Cancer. The new moon in Capricorn on December 24, and Pluto vibrating in your love sector with Jupiter, will bring about a new date, a new engagement, or a new start to your life as a married person. Get ready for the “AWWs” to come your way as your lover will romance the hell out of your crabby self. Maybe, you’ll even get a chance to poop for Christmas!
Leo:
Venus and Uranus are going to create delicious friction for you this month, dear Leo, especially after Mercury stops retro trippin’ as of December 14. Whether you hook-up with an old flame, or find a new one, you will be kindling many fires this month. The eclipse on December 10 will help bring love into your life, so while your friends may be acting like Scrooge or the Grinch, you will be thinking it’s a wonderful life.
Virgo:
You’re just a love machine this month. With Pluto orbiting your moon AND Sun this month, Mars shacking up in your sign, and Venus giving you the gift of raw animal magnetism, you may as well have invented love potion no.9. Get yourself groomed, dressed up, and ready to impress. Even if you always focus on work, allow yourself to bang out more than just reports on your office desk or boardroom table this holiday season.
Libra:
Uranus has misled you all year long, and you have had it. Your partner has been as unstable as your battery drained vibrator, and your heart and libido is worn down to the bone. When Aquarius enters your Venus towards the end of the month, things will suddenly start looking up. Uranus and Venus will be flirting with one another on December 21, so stand under the mistletoe or wrap yourself up with a bow. December 31 is a perfect time for you to ring in the New Year with an unforgettable bang!
Scorpio:
Jupiter is in your house of marriage, so get ready to let Santa hurry down your chimney tonight and bring you a ring. If you already have one, remind your lover that, baby, it’s cold outside. What better way to spend the holidays than in front of a fire in your birthday suit? If your honey is not in your zip code, Venus will take care of that by making it easy for you to travel and meet up with them for a weekend rendezvous at Chez Scorpio’s boudoir.
Sagittarius:
Nutcrackers only have one job: to crack nuts. And look pretty, I suppose. This month, dear Sag, you will be the nutcracker of the Zodiac. Whether you end that horribly fake relationship you have been carrying on for too long, or decide to end your single status with an engagement, things are going to change when the solar eclipse in Gemini on December 10 takes over your life. Don’t worry about the break-up if that happens—you’ll find out your lover was a lyin’, cheatin’, stealin’ kinda time. And while Uranus will be shocked by the sordid truth, it will also free you up to meet the right person (directions: around the corner, at the bar).
