1. The Girl Who Thinks Everyone is Hitting on Her “I’m just here to have a good time with my girlfriends, alright?” she informs you after interrupting her with a tap on the shoulder. She shakes her head incredulously, rolls her eyes and turns back to her friends, but you tap her again, this time saying “excuse me”. She’s pissed and slowly lets you know that SHE. HAS. A. BOYFRIEND! “Relax bitch, I just asked if you could move out of the way because you’re blocking the bathroom door and I have to take a shit.”
2. The Friend of the Bartender This guy saunters past the line, gives the bouncer a fist bump and makes a beeline to the bar to deliver a booming hello to his buddy: The Bartender. This guy laughs loudly and grabs the remote brazenly to demonstrate his “I know the bartender here” channel change. He talks loud enough for everyone in the bar to know that he, the guy with the remote in his hand, is the bartenders friend. He is important. He gets 10% off of draft beers. And he can change the channel himself. Because he’s friends with the bartender.
3. The Guy Who Pretends to Like You to Get Closer to Your Friend You noticed him checking you out a trip-to-the-restroom-to-share-lip-gloss-with-your-friend ago. He finally approaches your table and after a decent conversation together, he asks if your friend is single. You realize that he didn’t care that you are moonlighting, or that your cat is charming. He pumped you for information to get closer to your friend.
4. Business Card Guy He got off work four hours ago, but is still in his suit and tie. He looks important. Business Card Guy sits alone at the bar and is constantly looking around for his fake date, who is invisible and thirty minutes late. Scrolling on his Blackberry, he starts to chat you up, but you know he’s the guy who only asks questions so he can talk about his grueling day at work. He reaches in his pocket and hands you his business card, “Give me a call if you’re ever in town on business – or pleasure.” You begrudgingly pluck it from his fingers and make a mental note to drop it on the ground where you know he’ll see it.
5. The Fat Chick With High Self Esteem Sure, she has big cans, but she weighs a metric ton and has vascular disease. For some reason, she has unusually high self-esteem for such a Roseanne. She tries to create a diversion by wearing oversized necklaces, earrings and bracelets, but this only makes her look like a Christmas tree suffering from childhood obesity. Even at last call when mostly everyone has secured their teammate for night sports, she politely turns you down.
6. The Guy Who Bums Your Last Smoke but Doesn’t Inhale “Bum a smoke?” He asks you. You reach for your Marlboro Lights to show him you only have one left, and you’re sorry. Then he tells you he’ll give you $5 for it, which is such a bullshit thing to say, so you oblige. “Thanks”, he says. It is then that you realize that this asshole who took your last cigarette doesn’t even know how to smoke. You watch as he raises the ciggie to his never-been-oxygen-deprived lips as if he were on Fear Factor. After a small suck, guy quickly blows a thick cloud of smoke out. Fucker didn’t inhale.
7. The Sunglasses At Night Guy Possibly the worst offender. You and your girlfriends hit the dancefloor after “California Love” comes on. It is then that you see him. His black hair looks wet, he has Versace sunglasses on, long gold chains resting on his exposed pubey chest. Oh God. He mistakes your look of horror as a look of “Goddamn! That guy is so hot, my mouth just dropped open!” He shimmies on over to you and you almost choke from his Aqua Velva cologne. You turn to leave, but not before he gives you a pinky wave laden with gold and diamonds.
8. The Drunk Guy Who Loves The Jukebox. And Music. Guy at the jukebox. He loves music so much, he would let it go down on him. He has been generally moving to the beat of each song and rasps out a few “YOU! Shook me all night long!” This guy showed up with a roll of quarters in his pocket and a smile on his heart. The song changes, you see his eyes light up, he holds his breath, hurridly taps his friends on the shoulders and notifies everyone that this is HIS song. “I fuckin love this song!” He’s so happy and proud, but by minute 3 of Stairway to Heaven he gets super sad thinking about his uncle.
9. The Divorcee Who Is Socially Inept He’s 56 and his wife just divorced him. You would think he’d be looking for some ass, but he just wants to talk. Mostly about his ex-wife. He buys the hot 21 year-old a Long Island Iced Tea, and knows he has her captivated at least for two long swallows. She seductively sucks on a cherry but he doesn’t have a clue. After twenty minutes and two demonstrations on how to tie a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue, she tells him to please stop crying and as an afterthought, offers a hand job to which he politely declines.