Ask GuyAdvisor

Dear GuyAdvisor,

I’ve had suspicions that my wife has been cheating on me. I hid a video camera in our bedroom to record anything that may have been going on while I’m at work. After going through several days of tapes, I think I found the answer that I’ve been looking for. The video was very dark and grainy and I couldn’t hear much of anything, but I’m almost certain I could make out two figures making love on our bed. I’m completely distraught. What do I do?

- Lost in OK

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Dear Lost,

This is truly a difficult situation you find yourself in. I want you to know that you’ve done the right thing in coming to me. I know exactly what you need to do.

First, you need to get at least two 3-chip camcorders with low-light sensitivity, around 5 lux. The 3-chip configuration means a dedicated CCD (the camera’s image sensors) for each color – red, green and blue – and provides more accurate color for HD filming.

Even with the low-lux cameras, it’s best to go with good, natural lighting. You can load up some $5 clamp-on reflectors with 5000k bulbs, but you’ll get better results for sweaty skin tones with soft boxes that provide even, diffused light without harsh shadows.

Even though most handheld systems today come with image stabilization, you really should go with professional mounting hardware. One solid tripod and an isolated wall-mount will provide good, stable shots that won’t be as susceptible to the likely vibration caused by the flesh pounding of your subjects. For an upgrade that will allow you to get some amazing action shots, you can look into a low-end steadicam mount that you can wear.

An all-too-often overlooked detail is sound. Use external sound recording equipment rather than relying on the camcorders’ built-in microphones. I prefer the tandem of a large diaphragm condenser on a boom with a stereo shotgun mic that can be recorded on separate channels and mixed for optimal results. Since audio may be fairly dynamic (very loud to very soft) – from your wife’s subtle wet, deep slurping of his man-dy cane to her toe-curling screams of delight to the deep, percussive slap-slap-slapping of tender vittles on her taught ass – a compressor on each mic will help normalize the audio peaks and ensure levels are perfect for mix-down.

To make post-production faster and easier, be sure to use a time-stamp code device. This will make syncing each of your audio and video sources much faster, allowing you to pretty much make edits on any standard non-linear editing software on the fly. You will save hours of editing time doing it this way.

Finally, since DVD production and manufacturing has become so mainstream, you can literally make and distribute your product from home. Be sure to consider the many distribution networks online; look for commission-based and pay-per-view programs and you’ll be good to go.

Best of luck in your new venture!

Your Pal,
GuyAdvisor

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