There isn’t much wiggle room for our Sag lovers. You either think they hung the moon (during that really drunken night when you two stayed out until 7am and then only slept for a few hours before going out again), or that they belong on the dark side of it.

And yet, we have all dated a Sag. First, they are easy to find. Second, they are easy to talk to. Third, they are easy in general.

If a Sag meets a Leo, a Gemini, an Aquarius, or a Libra, sound the wedding bells and ring the alarm, Beyonce-style. You two do crazy together better than most mental patients. (You know, in a fun, non-life threatening sort of way.) On the other hand, if a Sag meets a Capricorn, Pisces, Taurus, Virgo, or Scorpio, say goodbye to sanity and hello to dysfunction junction.

But here is a couple that should never, ever happen: Cancer and Sagittarius. Never mind the shining example set forth by Katie Holmes (Sag) and Tom Cruise (Cancer)—because, clearly, their love is real since it was declared on Oprah—this couple is doomed. Doomed.

Why?

1)    Cancers can’t eat food. They poop it all out before they even chew it because they have the worst digestive system in the Zodiac. Finding a Sag at a bar/restaurant is like finding a politician’s name and phone number in a little black book.

2)    Cancers go into neutral sex drive as soon as they hit 40 mph or yil (years in life). Sure, Cancers like to have crazy sex times when they are young, drunk, and stupid 90% of the time. Bad mistakes are just part of the status quo for these crabs (and speaking of crabs…). But the responsibility of having kids, and the paranoia that everyone is out to get them, starts to add up—much like the poop in their system—and sex becomes a bit of a chore. Sag’s could have sex on their death bed…you know, go out with a bang.

3)    Cancers tend to get closer to God (or sometimes, aliens named Xenu) as they age.  The only form of getting closer to God that a Sag enjoys is the one in the song by Nine Inch Nails.

4)    Speaking of banging, Sag’s like it rough. Don’t look to your Sag for sweet little nothings whispered in your ear. Look to your Sag for getting absolutely ravaged…over and over again. Cancers may pretend to enjoy it in the beginning, but it’s hard to tumble in the sheets when you have to poop all the time.

5)    Cancers get fat. It’s true. They have to work extra hard at losing the lbs as they gain the yil. But, most people tend to put on some extra chubs as they get older, and sometimes it’s cute. The problem here is your typical Sag hates fat people and will give you an honest answer to “Do these jeans make me look fat?” Spoiler alert: yes.