Hi! Let’s start things off on the right foot. I am not now and never have worn “granny panties.” Unless you count my Urban Outfitters ironically large underwear that say “debutante” across the front. But those are funny-sexy right? Let’s hope. No, the granny panties I’m talking about are metaphorical. Just so you know. If you’re in a relationship and you wear scrunchis and granny panties and ugly sweat pants with VPLs (visible panty lines) then maybe you deserve to be single again. I really mean that people. Have some pride.
The granny panties we’ll be discussing are, like I said, a turn of phrase. When you get out of a relationship, it can be really tough learning how to be a single guy or girl again. Especially if that relationship lasted more that say… a month or a day. What if it lasted three, five, seven – hell ten years? Mine was seven, and when I left and toppled into the world of aloneness and bad dates, I felt a little like that old dude Brooks from Shawshank Redemption. You know, the one who gets out of the pokey after decades of incarceration only to find that he simply cannot function in the real world?
I didn’t pull a Brooks- I’m still alive, and I’m writing to you, but I know that feeling and I bet a lot of you do too. I’ve survived the transition and have some tips. Tips about how to get out of your metaphorical granny panties, stop crying, stop feeling lonesome, and start going on bad dates. Because a lot of the dates will suck. Trust me. A few will be cool, or even awesome. Some will be epic, and then end in a tear-tinged glass of cheap chardonnay alone in your apartment. But rest assured it’ll all be cool in the end… as long as you ditch the scrunchis and the geriatric lingerie.
So whether you’re the heartbreaker or the heart broken, by the end of this saga I hope you’ll be G-stringing your way through your town. Metaphorically, of course.
About Dina Gachman
Dina Gachman writes the blog "Bureaucracy for Breakfast" (bureaucracyforbreakfast.tumblr.com/) for Lost in a Supermarket, and just launched an online graphic novel & site about dating in Los Angeles called Fling Girl LA. Sadly, it's not a porn site. Her comic book about the down-to-earth diva Elizabeth Taylor comes out this winter from Bluewater Comics.
honestly, the dates I remember the best are the really crappy ones. The girl that talked non-stop about herpes and how you never know who might have it was great. So was the one that I bailed on when she went to the bathroom (she’d spent most of dinner trying to hook up with the bar tender). There was another good one where I made her laugh so hard she peed her pants.
What’s this got to do with Pro Football?