Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your ruling planet Mars may lead you to believe that all is fair in love and war, but that uncomfortable feeling you are now experiencing is the sharp end of someone’s pointy shoe rammed up your ass. Was the affair really that much fun? No. And now, their Payless-brand shoe is causing massive internal bleeding. Unless you want a colonoscopy, stop dating the tacky losers and think quality. After all, you can never go wrong with a Chanel suit.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
It’s time for some lovin’ and Venus in your house urged you to plan a romantic getaway and buy some kinky hot oil massage. Sadly, Venus didn’t remind you to bring some music to “set the tone.” Tragically, you provided your own sound effects with some violent flatulence, which your lover didn’t find all that sexy. Unless you start sporting a red beard and ask someone to rub your belly, it’s time to lose the lbs. Note: at this juncture, your lover won’t find it amusing when you suggest that sex is a great way to burn calories.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Your love is not a 2-for-1 special, even though you act like it is. Go after who you want, even if you are only 50% interested. The other 50% can tell you “I told you so” later—when you’re engaged. Your ruling planet Mercury won’t go retro until the end of November, so you have only a few more weeks to enjoy your mistakes and think about what you have done later.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Why are you always pooping so much? Why do you howl at the Moon every night? You’re freaking people out, and if you don’t stop scratching down there, your reputation as “the Crab” is going to catch up to you. Stop worrying about your love life—no one wants to deal with you, or your diseases, right now. Release your tension just as easily as you go to the bathroom and all will flush itself out of your life sooner than later. And then, maybe, someone will have freaky sex with you. Maybe.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You have managed to out-drama yourself in a situation that will take an Oscar for you to get out of without hurting anyone you love. Buy a litter box scooper and start cleaning up your mess…pronto. As we approach Winter, your ruler, the Sun, won’t be hanging around for that much longer. You only have a few more weeks to shine, so if you clean your shit now, and make sure all your bits and pieces are shaved and waxed, you can store up some of your mojo for the cold winter months ahead. Just remember: You may be a lion, but no one wants to go to bed with a full mane.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Force yourself to start over in your love life, even though your schedule for the day says “same as yesterday, last week, last month, last year.” Groundhog Day really wasn’t that good a movie. Since you are always complaining “Marsha, Marsha, Marsha” to your fellow Mercury-ruled sibling, Gemini, why don’t you take a page out of their book and make some bad decisions? Just remember: at the end of November, Mercury collects past dues when he goes retro. And since he prefers Gemini over you, make your mistakes worth your while.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Here is your teapot, here is your spout. Someone just tipped you over, so you are freaking the hell out. Saturn in your sign is messing with your typically smooth-sailing love life, and it’s totally fun for us to watch you all steamed up. Resist the urge to clean up after yourself—douching isn’t good for you, anyways. Since Saturn will stay in Libra until October 2012, it looks like you better lube up and grab some condoms while you’re at it. You can have sexy play times with people who aren’t good for you, but don’t do anything that will force you to deal with the consequences of those actions for the rest of your life.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Mmm…you want to shoop. You were just chillin’, chillin’, mindin’ your business and then, as God is your witness, someone had it goin’ on with somethin’ kinda wicked. And of course, dear Scorpio, you just had to kick it. No need to apologize for being so loud last night, we all wish we could have some “ooo, ooo, ooo’s”, but just be sure not to let Mom and Dad hear you, mmmkay? Reach into your bag of tricks, pull out some handcuffs, and enjoy the…ride.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You are horny as hell, and staring at your bow and arrow isn’t going to help calm you down much. Normally, you wouldn’t have a problem finding a stranger at the bar and going home with them, but lately you have been off your game. Jupiter typically brings you good luck, but right now, you need a little more than luck. You need to slut it up. Yes, I am telling YOU, of all people, to slut it up. Besides, you don’t care what people say behind your back, so put your game face on, strut to your local bar, order a few drinks (in other words, “the usual”) and grab a pen so you can write down their name on your hand. After all, there’s nothing worse than screaming out for your ex in bed.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Saturn may be your ruler, but Saturn is chilling in Libra and doesn’t really care that much about you where your love life is concerned. In fact, Saturn just kicked Uranus. Since you know you have to make things happen on your own, you can’t expect love to come to you, dear goat. You could graze over to a local bar, but honestly, you suck at first impressions. Go online and stop worrying about paying for a dating site. There are free ones out there right now. FREE—your favorite word. Sign up, mention you like to do it in 500 count thread sheets, and see who wants to climb up your mountain.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Uranus is so uptight sometimes that, in the famous words of Samantha, you need to do a number seven to let go. Sure, you sleep around and enjoy your fun while it lasts (spoiler alert: not too long), but then you go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like “I love you.” Write it down in a song, in your diary, or on your blog. Hell, go tell it to the mountain. Do not, I repeat do NOT, always say what is on your mind. Once you have analyzed every angle of your love affair, and told your best friends, pets, and stuffed animals how you really feel, go and donate money to your favorite charity. That should keep you happy for a few days…and your mouth closed for a few more hours.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You are happily sailing through the waters of your ruler, Neptune, and marveling at how well your love life is going. And then…a baby starts crying. It was cute the first few months, but now, you just want to get laid and you can’t get in the mood when boobs are leaking, diapers are smelling, and food is flying. Typically one to chant throughout the day, we are now responsible for telling you to say a few “Ohms” before you can have a few moans. We know you hate spending money, but now is the time to go book a romance package at a hotel and get your groove back on. Remember: birth control is your friend.
[Stephanie also blogs for LoveStruck and Starsmacked]
