thingsyankeeguyssholldntdo

I’ve been in and out of New York City the past few weekends looking for the perfect neighborhood to call home.  Overall, I find most Northern guys to be quite pleasant and attractive.  But of course, there is a mass of those who want to perpetuate the Yankee stereotype and I had the “pleasure” of meeting a few.  These are some guideline for those who think they can wear Ed Hardy and still get laid.

  1. Don’t wear slim fit shirts. If you approach me and offer me a drink wearing one of these tighty-whitey t-shirts, how can I concentrate on my beverage order when all I can see is the outline of your nipples?  Less than a drink, I’m now worried about your intelligence because if you can’t figure out the right size for you how are you going to shop for me?
  2. Stop shaving your chest.  Freud said girls are drawn to guys like their dads, and I’m pretty sure my dad wasn’t shaving his chest back in ‘Nam.
  3. No more bottle service!  I am not impressed with your cavalier use of funds on liquids.  Last time I checked, I can’t wear several hundred dollars of Grey Goose around my neck.  It doesn’t sparkle, and it can’t be paired with anything in my closet.  You want to make an impression on me?  Go buy an overpriced tennis bracelet.
  4. Also, why are you drinking Vodka?  You’re a man, order a Gentleman’s Jack on the rocks.
  5. If you own a piece of clothing with rhinestones on it, stop it. Unless you want to visually remind me of Jon Gosselin.  In which case, add a little more flame stitching on those flared jeans and head to CVS for some petroleum jelly; your right hand is going to have a party tonight.
  6. Don’t ask to split the tab.  It’s always funny because I’ve had a few Northern guys ask me, “Hey you want to split the check?” And obviously I don’t want to make the ride home awkward by replying, “I’d rather eat shards of glass than pay for half of this tab!”  So I silently agree, pay and never see him again.  If I go Dutch, I don’t go back.
  7. Leaning back in the driver’s seat is grounds for being a suspect in a Harlem drive by, and that doesn’t exactly turn me on.
  8. Bragging is never a good idea.  Now, I don’t mind hearing about how fortunate you are your career and personal life, I think that’s great; better for me around the Holidays. But what I do mind listening to is long hours in your “pent house office suite” that happens to be the “best view of Manhattan” where you make “multi-billion dollar deals” all day.  Bo-ring!  Let’s talk about shit that matters, like my new Kate Spade pumps, for instance.
  9. Do not overly groom facial hair into chin straps.  This is that awful line of hair that makes me think you’re probably on a first name basis with girls at Hooters and have a modified muffler on a foreign car. I’d rather have sex with Michael Bolton and his mullet than this.
  10. Avoid excessive hair gel.  It looks horrible, it reminds every body of the Jersey Shore, and it’s just not good for any parties involved.  Use pomade, the idea is to mold the hair not mummify it.

  • Jimmy

    Hahaha…the Freud chest hair reference is outstanding. Great article. Keep ‘em coming!!!

  • Jessica

    “if I go Dutch, I don’t go back” LOVE it!!

  • cburke

    Laugh Out Loud. This chick is hysterical.

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