Hyannis Port, MA – Backed by private-jet airstrikes and seasoned reinforcements from Nantucket, a team of rebel White Anglo Saxon Protestants stormed the dunes of the historic Kennedy Compound yesterday, running drunkenly across its sprawling lawns, ransacking its barracks and carting off mementos of its 60-year rule of this charming Cape Cod summer town.
The victory was by no means complete, however. The Kennedy family was nowhere to be found, and were widely believed to have retreated to the Hyannisport Club – a vast, uncontrolled territory known for its beautiful sunsets, challenging par fours, and delicious lobster rolls. And as crowds celebrated into the night, playing flip cup and beer pong in the town center, now called Martyr Square, some Kennedy loyalists were still fighting around the hamlet, and the rebel WASPS acknowledged that even the compound would not be under full control until they seized the notorious portrait of JFK.
The rebellion began three months ago with a small group of fighters who were motivated more by boredom than a deeper cause. “It was a Tuesday afternoon, and there was nothing to do, ” recalled Clifford Donaldson, one of the leaders, in an interview with Al Jazzera in June. “The wind was dead so we couldn’t go out on the boat, it was kind of cloudy, and we were just sitting around getting drunk when Tripp had the idea of going on the offensive against the Kennedys.” They acted immediately, executing a late night ground raid that caught security forces off-guard and shocking the reclusive family.
The rebel-WASPS freely admit that the Kennedys have done nothing wrong. On the contrary, the family has done much for charity causes, and even once lobbied to keep the town’s small, quant post office from being closed. “We just wanted some action,” Donaldson was quoted as saying. “And then it just got so big that we had to follow through and take the Compound.
The Obama Administration was quick to support the uprising and promised the United States would provide badly needed supplies to the rebels; yesterday, NATO planes airdropped hundreds of cases of Arnold Palmers and medium-rare sirloin steaks, as well as down comforters and paintings of sailboats.
Secretary of State Clinton expressed concern about a possible power-vacuum since it’s clear that the rebels have no interest in doing the day-to-day work of running a town. Extremist tribal leaders from nearby Chatham and Martha’s Vineyard have already met with the rebel-WASP leadership yesterday in a joint Jacuzzi drinking game session that lasted late into the night.
Below: a photo gallery of the rebel-WASP celebrations, with the Kennedy Compound burning in the background.