Dating tips, for the ladies:

1. Don’t be afraid to be a whore.
We all know that classic saying, “The easy girl catches the worm…or HPV.”

2. Drink. Drink. Drinkity. Drink.
Anything and everything in your sight. Nothing is more endearing than the sloppy drunk screaming Journey 3 octaves too high while simultaneously vomiting on yourself a little bit…and while yes you may not remember anything that happened on that fateful date…your lover friend will never be able to burn that image out of his corneas.

3. Shove a crap ton of meat in your mouth.
I honestly can’t think of anything sexier.

4. Let your lady garden grow.
I honestly can’t think of anything sexier.

5. Lower your expectations.
You’re not perfect, babe. Sorry to burst that bubble…but let’s get out of fantasyland and venture into a more realistic setting. This is how mediocrity works in good ol’ Merica.

Dating tips, for the dudes.

1. Be a dick.
Want a lady to love you? Treat her like shit…ignore her phone calls…give her disapproving glances when she doesn’t order the salad like you had recommended. You’ll have her heart for life.

2. Shove a shit ton of meat in your mouth.
I honestly can’t think of anything sexier.

3. Pay for her food.
The more a lady feels like a prostitute…the more likely you and your lady friend
will bone you.

4. Bring condoms.
It says, “Hey…I probably have an STD…but this guy is in charge of his ___________(insert STD).”

5. Shake your hips excessively while walking.
Look, your lady/man/tranny friend is always going to be judging your sexually “ability” by your swagger. So just shake yo hips. Problem solved.