Life is truly unpredictable. But as any gambler knows, everything has its percentage – these are called ‘odds’ for all the geniuses like me who failed sixth grade math. After selling our soul to the devil (or rather spending a night with her in a Tuscon trailer), The Impersonals has a second sight into the odds of just about everything, and instead of using it to play craps in Vegas we bring it to you here. Feel free to add your own.

• Odds you miraculously bring someone home the night you said “I’ll do it tomorrow” to cleaning your disgusting toilet : 82%
  
• Odds you will get sent to voicemail from a girl who gave you her number: 76%
  
• Odds that you will sound like an idiot when you leave a message: 92%
  
• Odds that you are a much worse cook than you think: 47%
  
• Odds that the person blowing you off is doing so because of a death in the family: .3%
  
• Odds that you’ve already peaked in life: 57%
  
• Odds that your blog will get you laid:12%
  
• If you’re gay, odds that you’re straight: 3%
  
• If you’re straight, odds that you’re gay: 64%
  
• Odds that you have something nasty in your teeth, right now: 43%
  
• Odds that you’re a lousier lay than you think: 72%
  
• Odds your employer knows you browse worthless sites like this when you should be working: 68%

About Matt Brand

Editor, co-creator, tweeter, and writer.