So how much do you really have in common with your significant other? Do you listen to the same music? Watch the same movies? Do you spend your Sunday nights curled up together enjoying the same television shows? Well, what you watch says a lot about who you are and it’s very important to know what kind of guy you’re involved with. Would you go out on a first date with a guy if you knew he watched nothing but Masterpiece Theater or Porn?

If your man watches any of the following television shows, I’ll explain what his viewing habits say about him and whether or not you should bother with a second, third or fourth date…

East Down and Bound: Either he is very mature and has a wicked sense of humor or he thinks this is a documentary about his cousin who just got out of rehab. That last one means you should be leaving his trailer right now. Also if he desperately wants to be like Kenny Powers (Dead give-a-way: Mullet, and/or Muscle shirt, but no muscles), you’re dating a bag of stupid, trapped in a box of moron, tied to a tree stump. Unless you want to have 11 brain-damaged offspring and take vacations up the river on his Sea-Doo, run.

Jersey Shore: Oy vey. Well. I can tell you right now, if he’s into this, I mean seriously into this show, whatever love connection you two have right now, it won’t last. In the end, all you’ll be left with are grease stains on your pillows and maybe some breast implants as a reminder of his superficial not-really-love, love. I say, if he clicks this on, don’t pretend to care about Snooky, just flip it over to Public Television and see how long before his head explodes.

America’s Next Top Model: So if your date is watching an entire episode of this show, and then next week he watches another entire episode and he talks about the show in between episodes, then honey, he’s gay. Basically, non-gay men only watch ANTM up until the models begin to speak. Then they change the channel to something sports, war, or naked lady-related. Now, if he changes the channel from ANTM to The O’Reilly Factor then girl, he gay. And the two of you should be good friends who can just sit around and talk about how Camille’s forehead should be rented out as advertising space.

America’s Got Talent: Could be he’s got a very stressful job that requires so much brain power that he just wants to come home and vegetate to the sounds of a xylophone played by a four-year-old. Or he’s a frustrated ventriloquist or mime. This one’s totally your call. If he’s a sexy mime who can throw his voice while speaking French, do whatever feels right.

Man Versus Wild: Or the similar Survivorman. Okay well, could be he’s an adventurer who’s just “stranded” on the sofa. Or maybe he just likes watching a man eat larva. If you also enjoy watching a man eat worms and things that look a lot like (and actually are) maggots, then, dear god, you’ve found each other. Now go away, you disgust me.

Monday Night Football: He has a small penis. Kidding. He only has a small-ish penis if he watches Monday Night Football on a 50-inch or larger wall-mounted plasma screen, drives a Dodge Ram, shaves his head and switches to Monday Night Raw during commercial breaks.

 

Millionaire Matchmaker: I have to say, I have yet to meet a man who has confessed to watching this show regularly. If you find a man who does, be afraid. If he genuinely enjoys the journey of wealthy, misogynistic dip-shits looking for love among the ruins of ex-strippers and other emotionally disturbed women with big tits, he may be trying to tell you something—like maybe, he’s an asshole. I’m not saying this show isn’t great train-wreckage entertainment, but there’s a chance your man isn’t watching it for the same reasons you are. You might watch this show and think, “Geez, these men and women are morons. No wonder they’re single. How superficial!” But he’s probably thinking, “Tits.” I promise you, after the fourth date, you will completely run out of things to talk about…unless you wanna talk about tits for the next thirty years.

Portlandia: Now, it’s possible that your man happens to live in Portlandia and perhaps believes he is just educating himself with a local documentary about the hipsters and hippies residing in his neighborhood. If this is the case, move. Move away from Portland and change your number, quickly. If you don’t, he will drag you down into his pit of endless hippie/hipster bullshit and you’ll spend every Saturday night together talking about “buying local,” eating tofu and drinking beer. In 6 months you’ll have a beer gut. On the other hand, it could be that he gets the joke—in which case he has a brilliant sense of irony and humor, well done. He’s a keeper. You may watch this show together, happily.

The O’Reilly Factor: Okay. Let me start by saying if he’s watching this show merely to better understand the dark side, great! Knowing thy enemy is a smart move. Unless he’s watching it for a masochistic kick, which could be evidence of much bigger issues, like bondage and/or closet Republicanism. Also, beware if he sits in front of the TV thrusting his fist into the air shouting things like “Capitalism gives me a boner!” and  “No Medicaid for fat kids!” This is a sure sign that he is an idiot who will demand you sign a pre-nup to ensure that he never loses his double-wide down by the creek. Oh and it’s also very possible that he’s gay but worries that he’d somehow have to pay higher income taxes if he came out.

Entourage: Well I have to admit, I have actually tried to watch this with my boyfriend. I like to think the only reason he occasionally watches it is because he lived in LA and likes to point out the places that he’s been before… that, and he enjoys the plethora of hot chicks that populate every episode. For me, watching it is like eavesdropping on a junior high boys locker room. Generally five minutes in, I start rubbing my forehead like I have a massive headache (which it induced) and saying things like “Seriously?! Geesuz.” We finish the episode and I imagine that Mark Wahlberg, while fun to look at, is probably a big dummy. Then I make my boyfriend watch the Golden Girls as punishment. So watch it if you want, but then make him take you out to a nice dinner or something.

True Blood: I’m pretty sure you’re dating a 14 year-old girl.

He Doesn’t Watch TV: So he’s a liar or he’s Amish. Either way, it could be interesting.