1. 5-inch (or more) platform heels with short shorts: Your vagina might as well have a “Welcome” mat and a flashing “Vacancy” sign out front. An intense burning sensation is your calling card. You are popular, but have no return business.
2. Flats (or other practical shoes): The health of your spine is more important to you than looking good. Ketchup gives you heart burn. You have actually bored someone to death before. You spend most nights alone watching Titanic with a bowl of non-fat, artificially-flavored vanilla frozen yogurt. Sex is something irresponsible, hedonistic teenagers do and God does not approve. Side note – if you wear flats exclusively with long dresses, you were home schooled and will remain a virgin forever… unless you are Mormon.
3. Crocs: You take your fashion cues from a fat, redheaded chef on a cable channel devoted to cooking. You are convinced you’re amazing in bed, but you’ve never fully satisfied anyone, including yourself. Time to take a nice hard look in the mirror, Chief, and get thee some Ferragamo’s
4. Simple 4-inch, closed-toe pumps, in multiple colors and/or prints: You are classy and smart. You work out. Men climax before they can even unzip. It’s frustrating for you, but it’s the price you pay for being too sexy (Author’s note: I do not own any shoes like this…I swear).
5. Running shoes – but you don’t run: You are fat. And probably drink a lot of diet soda. You are a neurotic, insecure and silent lover who can only make love late at night in total darkness. You are often mistaken for a corpse.
6. Old, white, court shoes with baggy light-blue jeans: You are over 40 and have two or more children. Your wife left you months ago, but you haven’t noticed. The Green Bay Packers and barbecued pork are the only things that give you an erection anymore. And you’re okay with that.
7. Flip-Flops in winter: You are a moron. If it comes down to survival of the fittest, roaming packs of carnivorous squirrels will eat you. Your girlfriend/boyfriend wears flip-flops too — You make love like two tranquilized elephant seals. You don’t know any better, so it’s fine.
The above would never happen in real life.
Regular columnist and cartoonist (and cartoon columnist) Neither Lucy nor ThunderPuff is her real name. It’s actually Edwina Hammersnoot. Of the Long Island Hammersnoots. Not really. Lucy cannot disclose her real name because it would result in numerous defamation of character and obscenity charges. In addition to contributing to The Impersonals, Lucy also has her own blog, ThunderPuff.com, where she sometimes appears to be a hamster. Other uninteresting and very vague facts: She is a woman. She lives in the United States. She is compulsively disorganized and refuses to accept responsibility for anything. And she’s a total fucking knockout. As far as you know.