STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN—Researchers at the Flöggenschlønng Institute released a study today providing the strongest evidence yet that masturbation is awesome.

The study’s authors, Fap Yürsôsij and Hans Onmîdik, have been working together since adolescence to uncover the link between instinct and learned social behavior in what they refer to scientifically as “balzßlapping.”

“Zis is ze accumulation of many years’ work for us. Ve are very excited to finally share our findings,” Yürsôsij told reporters.

“Ya,” adds Onmîdik. “Ve alvays had ze feeling zere vas somesing, some empirical data zat should be collected so ve could understand ze motivations and actions of peoples of all walks of life. Und we could find zat ve are all very much more alike than ve know, as peoples.”

The study began when the researchers were ages 12 and 13, respectively.

When asked to describe their data collection methods, Yürsôsij explains how they hit a wall at first. “For ze first six years, ve conducted face-to-face interviews with subjects. Not only vould zey not participate in group exercises, zey vould not admit to have ever balzßlapped zeir tvigs und berries.”

“Oh, ya,” finished Onmîdik. “It vas not until ve began collecting ze information over ze internet zat ve even began seeing real data. Suddenly, ve vent from ‘nobody balzßlappes zeir fleshflagellum’ to 100% of subjects schlapping ze münkeyhammenstein. It vas quite eye opening, actually.”

Thanks to a $15,000 grant from the Swedish government, Fap Yürsôsij and Hans Onmîdik now have their sights set on groundbreaking new research that involves them having sexual relations with living, non-inflatable women or sheep.

The study is published in the October issue of Hustler, behind the Beaver Hunt.