Whether you’re a tweeter, g-chatter or a facebook stalker, the world wide web is rife with flirting opportunities. Digital seduction is an art like any other, and it takes a targeted and tailored approach in order to yield successful, long-lasting results. But first things first. You’ll need to identify your target. Location, location, location. Where is your digital conquest? Is he/she on g-chat? Facebook? Twitter? Tumblr? You’ll need to locate where they spend the most time. Some may call this stalking , but you’ll actually just be increasing your chances of success if you make sure to hone in on their digital behavior patterns and their web whereabouts. I suggest keeping a notebook for at least three weeks time to make sure you’ve really dialed in and recorded their traffic flow. Once you’ve identified your target web platform, here are some key guidelines to follow to drive on home the flirt to something a bit more titillating. Flirting on more than one platform may cause acid reflux and is not recommended.
Facebook: Although poking and commenting may be the most obvious flirting techniques, they are actually too straightforward and may scare your target off. Instead, I suggest finding out who their best friend is. This is easy to do as most people on facebook post 70% of their photos with their best friend. Now, it’s your job to start “liking” all their best friend’s posts even if you don’t know the best friend at all. This will immediately elicit jealousy and interest from your web-crush. After they seethe with jealousy for a full week, you can then, and only then, setup a private facebook event entitled “__________ and __________’s romantic evening out” and invite him/her to the event. This will turn their damned heart into silly-putty.
Twitter: Because you only have 140 characters to drive home the flirt, it’s important to just be very blunt. This can be achieved by mentioning your crush in a tweet, followed by a proclamation of your love for them. An example of how this works is @mycrush I just had a hot sex dream about you. Now, any logical person would see your public display of affection as endearing and would obviously tweet back at you something like: @flirter I can’t wait to have hot sex with you. Twitter is all about getting laid if you know what lines to use.
G-Chat: G-chat affords you the greatest opportunity to express yourself, and because it’s the most private option it will allow you to be more uninhibited. In this uninhibited state, your flirtation should take a more physical form and you should tell your web crush that you like the touch of their soft skin. If they don’t have soft skin and you’ve never touched it, that won’t make a difference. You are using this as a lead-in into full on cyber sex. I suggest experimenting with this tactic during the early afternoon hours so they don’t think you’re just trying to score some ass. If this takes place at lunchtime it will seem like an innocent flirtation.
You have finally made it out of the womb: a bloody little beast wailing away because you're pissed as hell that everyone around you is crying, smiling, and snapping cameras in your face. "Where's the penis?" a man says who you later find out is actually your father. "Why is there so much blood! She is too bloody!" squawks the woman who you later find out is actually your mother. A man in a white coat is telling everyone you have a yellow-skin condition called jaundice. The pleasantly plump woman who is your Grandmother is applying ruby red lipstick, eating a cupcake, and tickling your feet. "Hear that? jaundice! You're a yellow baby! A yellow baby!" First, you've got the wrong genitalia, and then, you're too bloody and too yellow. Your slobbering mouth is already pining for a dry martini. Sam is co-creator of Impersonals. She lives in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, and produces TV commercials and digital video campaigns when she's not moonlighting as a startup entrepreneur. She does not know how to ride a bike, iron, or use a can opener, which results in a lot of taxis, dry-cleaning and takeout.