We’ve all been there before. You’ve wined, dined and sixty nined the girl of your dreams, only to be suddenly discarded like an old pair of smelly socks. Before you go curl up into a fetal position and cry, here are some texts that will show darling dump who’s really boss.
1. Text: “I hate to burden you with this, but I don’t want to live anymore….”
Reason: Suicide threats really confirm the severity of the situation. Although they are a bit of a one trick pony, there’s a 75% chance that the lady will at least pity-fuck you one more time. Twice if you’re lucky.
2. Text: “I will never stop loving you.”
Reason: She needs to know your love is everlasting, even though it is unrequited. I suggest sending variations of this text three times a day, for five days. If she doesn’t respond, you may want to up the ante and go for “I will never stop loving you – even when I die.”
3.Text: “I even loved you when you farted in your sleep. It made me hard.”
Reason: Nostalgia knows no boundaries. It’s important to let her know that you not only accepted her flaws, but they turned you on.
4.Text: “You better watch your back, you stupid ugly smelly bitch.”
Reason: If you’ve tried a softer, sentimental approach to no avail, now’s the time to insult her and make her fear for her life. Although this approach from time to time results in a temporary restraining order, it will put you in the position of power, and her in the position of fear.
5.Text: Dinner tomorrow night – 8:00pm?
Reasons: After you’ve been officially blown off, its sometimes useful to send a confusing text message that makes it seems like you never ended things in the first place. If she’s having a bad day or an insecure moment, she could even buy into it and say yes.
You have finally made it out of the womb: a bloody little beast wailing away because you're pissed as hell that everyone around you is crying, smiling, and snapping cameras in your face. "Where's the penis?" a man says who you later find out is actually your father. "Why is there so much blood! She is too bloody!" squawks the woman who you later find out is actually your mother. A man in a white coat is telling everyone you have a yellow-skin condition called jaundice. The pleasantly plump woman who is your Grandmother is applying ruby red lipstick, eating a cupcake, and tickling your feet. "Hear that? jaundice! You're a yellow baby! A yellow baby!" First, you've got the wrong genitalia, and then, you're too bloody and too yellow. Your slobbering mouth is already pining for a dry martini. Sam is co-creator of Impersonals. She lives in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, and produces TV commercials and digital video campaigns when she's not moonlighting as a startup entrepreneur. She does not know how to ride a bike, iron, or use a can opener, which results in a lot of taxis, dry-cleaning and takeout.