Internet dating handles are a window into the soul of the user with a pot belly sitting behind their laptop and typing you sweet nothings. But don’t let a witty handle fool you. Allow this list to be your guiding force on who to block or bang. As a general rule, women who incorporate the words “cute” “qt” or “cutie” into their handle tend to be quite desperate and suffer from severe self-esteeem problems after having been called only “cute” their whole life instead of hot, sexy or beautiful. Men who use the word “guy” “man” or dude” in their handle tend to think that’s actually a description of who they are. Going out on a date with one of them will be as romantic as kissing a potato sac. Let this guide help you sift through the dirt to find your rusted pebble.
Handle: Cassalova
What they’ll be like: Foreign and delusional.
Handle: FunGuy7803-
What they’ll be like: Extremely mediocre.
Handle: LifeOrBeth
What they’ll be like: Ex goth-girl who now works in HR.
Handle: StrawberryShortcake
What they’ll be like: Promiscuous with an annoying laugh.
Handle: StarvingArtist
What they’ll be like: Smelly and living off his/her parents.
Handle: HardRocker
What they’ll be like: 80s hair, clothes and vernacular. Basically, peaked in the 80s.
Handle: Cleverusername
What they’ll be like: Ironic and unemployed.
Handle: Foodsterina
What they’ll be like: Obnoxious food snob; expensive dinner check.
Handle: monkeydong
What they’ll be like: Gender confounded.
Handle: BaconBoy
What they’ll be like: One of those people who somehow lost 200 lbs.
Handle:TrishyTalker
What they’ll be like: Annoying. Run now.
Handle: OhSuzzana
What they’ll be like: Sweet and stupid.
Do you have a dating handle you want us to analyze? Send yours to tips (at) theimpersonals.com
You have finally made it out of the womb: a bloody little beast wailing away because you're pissed as hell that everyone around you is crying, smiling, and snapping cameras in your face. "Where's the penis?" a man says who you later find out is actually your father. "Why is there so much blood! She is too bloody!" squawks the woman who you later find out is actually your mother. A man in a white coat is telling everyone you have a yellow-skin condition called jaundice. The pleasantly plump woman who is your Grandmother is applying ruby red lipstick, eating a cupcake, and tickling your feet. "Hear that? jaundice! You're a yellow baby! A yellow baby!" First, you've got the wrong genitalia, and then, you're too bloody and too yellow. Your slobbering mouth is already pining for a dry martini. Sam is co-creator of Impersonals. She lives in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, and produces TV commercials and digital video campaigns when she's not moonlighting as a startup entrepreneur. She does not know how to ride a bike, iron, or use a can opener, which results in a lot of taxis, dry-cleaning and takeout.
You can kiss *my* potato sack.
- Guy Mann Dude