Friends, it’s hot outside. The heat index has skyrocketed in recent weeks which means we are wearing less clothing, and by ‘we’ I mean the many women who populate my town. This got me thinking: could there be a connection between the rise in temperature and the expansion of my id? As it turns out, it is a scientific fact that the heat index correlates directly with the boner index.

What is the boner index? It is actually quite similar to the heat index in that it is an attempt to determine how aroused one feels as opposed to how aroused one actually is. I posed the heat/boner index question to Dr. Fred Winthorp, a boner expert at Mass General Hospital, who found himself wondering the same thing.  “The boner average is roughly 2.5 per day,” he told me during our many discussions. “But in my own personal boner observations, I was noticing that the frequency was much more during the summer months – especially during heat waves.”

So he conducted a test with 100 men – single, married, gay, straight – and the results were staggering: after 80 degrees, every 5 degree increase results in double the boner frequency. After 90 degrees, it TRIPLES with each 5 degree climb; after 100, it quadruples and so forth. Therefore, if the heat index is 95, your boner index is almost 9. This is why sales of the De-Boner strap ($29.99 at Bed Bath and Beyond) are so brisk during the summer – a random boner is uncomfortable, embarrassing, and potentially dangerous, especially when it comes to subway turnstiles and such.

Some people, women especially, might think it’s gross that men have upwards of 9 spontaneous erections during the hottest days. But the truth is, it’s not any more our fault than, say, sweating in the hot subway. Yes, the boner index is a response to the ultra low-cut shorts (girls and guys), skimpy, gauzy summer dresses (girls), and more skin exposure in general (both), but I say let’s celebrate this relationship. The dog days of summer are here, the heat index is rising, and so is mid-section in our pants. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m in the mood for some Italian Ice.