1. Start with a authoritative subject line. It’s important to grab the dumpee’s attention with a stern, call to action. I prefer “moving forward.” This email is, in fact, all about moving forward – you just happen to be moving forward in different directions.
2. Always start with an emoticon. Let your soon-to-be ex know that you’re deeply troubled by the news you’re about to deliver. Acceptable emoticons to articulate this false sense of remorse are the following:
Be sure to never use a smiley emoticon unless the person you’re about to breakup with is pure evil. In this case use as many as you like.
3. Villainize the shit out of yourself. Following the emoticon, immediately say something self-deprecating and awful about yourself. This will of course leave you with infinite options, but here is one that tends to work best:
“DEAR ______The truth is I hate myself. I’ve hated myself since I came out of that bloody womb. I hate myself so much that I’m unable to have healthy, loving relationships with other people.”
This will immediately make the dumpee feel sorry for you, and, more importantly, responsible for having been oblivious and unable to help your severe self esteem problems. Shifting blame in this manipulative fashion is really key as it will absolve you of all responsibility.
4. Use a ridiculous metaphor to drive home the dump. No matter what, you and the person you are about to dump are in different life spaces. Whether they are exactly your same age and live down the block,that is completely irrelevant. It is your job to convincingly argue that you want completely different things out of life. It’s good to site a personal experience that made you realize this. Here’s one that I find quite poetic and therefore extremely confusing.
“Furthermore, I think you are a racecar driving to a specific destination and I’m a lonely boat out in the ethers of the vast sea, unable to find land.”
This will make the dumpee feel like they are living a life of purpose while you look like a selfish, aimless puppy wandering the universe. To reiterate, the point is for the dumpee to think you’re such a loser by the end of the email that they will be thrilled to have you vanished from their life.
5. End on a positive note. Say something complimentary about the person whose heart is about to crackle into seventy million pieces. It’s best to focus on their dashing good looks, brilliant mind, and kind soul. It’s irrelevant whether any of these qualities actually pertain to the dumpee – they will need to know how much you look up to them in order to accept your dumping them.
6. Closing remarks. You’re almost there. But the closing remarks and signature is key to really drive home this dump. Because you’ve said so many lies about how much you adore this person, it is important to reiterate the fact that they are in fact, officially dumped. I think it’s best to keep this simple. “It breaks every limb in my body to know that we will never see each other again.” The signature should then be cold and distant, such as “cheers” or “toodles.” By the time they’ve reached the signature they are no longer your girlfriend or boyfriend, and therefore its time they accept the cold, harsh reality of single-dom.
Now put it all together and press send. Feel free to copy and paste to save time.
You have finally made it out of the womb: a bloody little beast wailing away because you're pissed as hell that everyone around you is crying, smiling, and snapping cameras in your face. "Where's the penis?" a man says who you later find out is actually your father. "Why is there so much blood! She is too bloody!" squawks the woman who you later find out is actually your mother. A man in a white coat is telling everyone you have a yellow-skin condition called jaundice. The pleasantly plump woman who is your Grandmother is applying ruby red lipstick, eating a cupcake, and tickling your feet. "Hear that? jaundice! You're a yellow baby! A yellow baby!" First, you've got the wrong genitalia, and then, you're too bloody and too yellow. Your slobbering mouth is already pining for a dry martini. Sam is co-creator of Impersonals. She lives in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, and produces TV commercials and digital video campaigns when she's not moonlighting as a startup entrepreneur. She does not know how to ride a bike, iron, or use a can opener, which results in a lot of taxis, dry-cleaning and takeout.
didn’t work.