Concord, MA — Kelly Pierson has feelings for Joey Driscoll, according to three texts sent last night by Julie Peters to her friend Stacey McPherson. The texts, which were obtained by the Dumps, reveal a tangled web of heresy, misinformation, and deceit. “Kelly told Nancy last Monday that Joey was dating Mindy, and also that he’s a big fat loser,” Julie told reporters. “These lies are unacceptable.” The couple was seen together at a Cold Stone Creamery by an employee, Jeanie, whose sister Sally is friends with Jenny – a wannabe cool kid who tells Julie everything. According to recess reports, Joey denied lying to Billy and Randy about getting to third base, but admitted to not really knowing what third base was.
You have finally made it out of the womb: a bloody little beast wailing away because you're pissed as hell that everyone around you is crying, smiling, and snapping cameras in your face. "Where's the penis?" a man says who you later find out is actually your father. "Why is there so much blood! She is too bloody!" squawks the woman who you later find out is actually your mother. A man in a white coat is telling everyone you have a yellow-skin condition called jaundice. The pleasantly plump woman who is your Grandmother is applying ruby red lipstick, eating a cupcake, and tickling your feet. "Hear that? jaundice! You're a yellow baby! A yellow baby!" First, you've got the wrong genitalia, and then, you're too bloody and too yellow. Your slobbering mouth is already pining for a dry martini. Sam is co-creator of Impersonals. She lives in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, and produces TV commercials and digital video campaigns when she's not moonlighting as a startup entrepreneur. She does not know how to ride a bike, iron, or use a can opener, which results in a lot of taxis, dry-cleaning and takeout.