Williamsburg, BROOKLYN – Local resident Jessie Schley is too cool for her own well-being, according to medical records released to the public without her permission. Ms. Schley, who boasts multiple abstract-art tattoos and wears sunglasses even in the dark subway, was examined last week after experiencing regular bouts of single-loneliness.  The cause, according to her physician, was extremely low body temperatures due to a “mental coolness”.

The large earphone-wearing, minimalist electro music fan was characteristically dismissive of the diagnosis. “I don’t need nor want a boyfriend,” she wrote on her blog, huskyrescue.blogspot.com. “However, if someone comes along that can match my passion for organic baked goods, post-post modern literature, avante-garde film, and performance art featuring people in animal costumes, I will definitely let him tag along.”

She is taking medication for the condition, but rather than ingesting she’s crushing the pills and snorting it with her friends.