Okay so you finally met a girl you’re interested in, maybe even beyond a night or two of bumping uglies. By now we all know the golden rule: you want what you can’t get. Therefore, your liking her puts you in an extremely weak position, and the only way to get back on equal ground is to act like you’re not interested, and the first step is by doing so on the date itself. This is a tough needle to thread, and is probably hopeless, but just in case here’s a handy guide:
1. Body language (fig. 1). This is of critical importance. Have you seen two people on a date, and the guy is leaning in, back hunched over, hanging on to every last word the girl is saying? And of course she’s doing all the talking, because the fact that he’s sitting across from someone he desperately wants to bed has rendered him speechless, so the scene looks a little bit like a conversation with your near-deaf grandfather. Don’t be that guy. Pretend this person is the most hideous, nauseating beast you’ve ever encountered. Sit WAY back in your chair, and clutch your table knife with a death-grip that says, “get behind me, Satan!” The result? She’ll wonder why you’re repulsed, and be more interested in you.
2. Go to the bathroom twice. This technique is called “clearing the ice”, named after the two breaks in a hockey game where the ice smoothed over by the Zamboni machine. By leaving her alone for two periods of time gives her the opportunity to ponder the situation: do I like him? Does he like me? If he does DOES like me, how could he possibly pull himself away from me twice?? By dictating the point, you will be in control.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Do not exceed bathroom time by more than 3 minutes lest she’ll think you are nervous and having diarrhea.
3. Do NOT laugh at all of her lame jokes. This is mistake every guy makes when he likes a girl. Your cat sheds? HAW HAW! The F train smells? Hahaha! Your friend Tom might be a eunuch? (okay that’s kind of funny.) Nothing is more pathetic than a guy trying to laugh-track his way into a girl’s pants. Use this test for every joke she tries to crack: if your best guy friend were telling the same amusing story/joke, would you laugh? If yes, laugh. If no, smile a little bit to avoid being rude, but do not honor it with a fake gaffaw. She will respect the fact that you’re sticking to your guns and might even step up her game.
4. End the date early (fig. 4) Don’t try to prolong it with an excursion to point B. Don’t offer to buy her dinner like an amateur sap. Two drinks, max, and call it a night – maybe even ONE drink if you really want to be brazen. Pretend you have better things to do, even though the only thing you will be doing is going home and suppressing the urge to text or email her. Which leads us to…..
5. Do NOT text/email/call for AWHILE. To this we refer to Chapter 1 in How White People Date, but the rule is extremely simple: if you send her a lame-ass “I had a great time!” text, or a cursory “when are you next available” email the next day, you are THROUGH. You might as well send a note that says “eat shit and die I never want to see you again” because the result will be the same. Don’t “reach out” to her for five days at least, a week preferably.
Sidenote: the list works similarly for women trying not to act interested in guys, but this presents a problem: if both are interested, and following the same rules, you will most likely get nowhere fast. However, this zero sum game is consistent with dating in general, so it’s a wash. Fa!